Momma Mia!

It seems that every blog post lately comes to me in the late hours of the night. So here I am again dear blog readers. I should be sleeping but I can't. This usually helps.

Lately it seems that everywhere I turn my friends are pregnant, trying to get pregnant or have just had a kid. In the world of Facebook and Twitter we can now follow along not just with your old high school friend's pregnancy but also her delivery - thanks to status updates from the hospital - and then the pictures following the birth. Then comes the blogging and all of the cute pictures and details of the little baby growing up. I think to myself, "Wow, they have the life. I want to take care of a darling baby. I want to pack a picnic and spend the day at the park with my child. I want to take them to the zoo and read stories to them before bed! That sounds amazing! Someone sign me up for that!"

Then there are the days when I hear updates and posts all about sick kids, too much laundry, lack of sleep, temper tantrums, etc....and I think - oh hell no! I don't want that! What are these girls crazy!?

And yet here I am - thinking a lot about it.

Turning 30 has been a big deal for me. I don't think it is necessarily the age thing, but I think it's now feeling like if I am going to have kids that I have to get going, and soon. My husband is 36 after all. I have friends with 4 children now. 4!!! And while I am actually really glad I don't have 4 children right now I am starting to feel the pressure to at least have one. My sister had all three kids by the time she was 26 or something. Oh man - I am way behind.

Since I was a little girl I have loved babies.

I have always loved kids. I have never been the girl that has been awkward holding a newborn. Instead I crave it. I have been known to ask complete strangers to hold their babies. I love it, it feels natural. If a child is crying or upset there is an internal pull from me that makes me want to comfort the baby.

I actually thought that it was a "female" thing, and that most women were like me. Then I met Seth's family and nearly all of my sister-in-laws have said that they never have had the desire to hold other people's children. I was floored. That seems so odd in my family where we fight over holding the newborn. Whether or not I would have children has never been a real question to me. Of course I want children.

But when???

Seth and I have a pretty good thing going right now. I love my career. I love that I am challenged at work. I love that I have 10 good years of nonprofit work under my belt now and a Masters Degree to show for myself. I love that I can go out any night I want. I love that I can come home and take a nap if I want. I love that my biggest time consumer outside of work is training for a triathlon.

I love that I can make whatever I want for dinner. I love that Seth and I can pack up and go on a vacation if we want. I love that Seth and I are currently "DINK"s. Which I have learned from my coworkers means "Dual income no kids." I love that I am 30 years old and that I feel like I have lived a good life up to this point. Yet the pressure to "grow up" is building.

A couple of months ago (again another Facebook pisses me off story) - I had a cute friend mention how she felt judged being pregnant with a few kids in tow. While this post didn't bother me one bit it was the comments that absolutely infuriated me. Comments such as "You should be looking at them. How crazy to be 30 and have no kids! They must be so bored!" or "they are just jealous because they don't have a fulfilled life like you."

What?!

I know I am now 30 and have no kids but I think my life is damn fulfilled and very worthwhile. I contribute to society in many ways and that doesn't lessen me as an individual because I haven't started procreating yet.

Truthfully being a parent scares me to death. I worry about losing my identity as Becky and becoming just a "mom" - not that being a mom is a small task. I see how hard it is for my close friends with children to really have a conversation with me when their kids are around. I see how hard and frustrating it gets for them to not be able to come and do something with friends at the drop of the hat. I also feel nervous that I won't be the amazing mother that I think some people expect me to be. What if I can't pull it off? I'm not creative, or crafty. I already envision googling "fun Halloween craft ideas for a 2-year-old" because there is no way I can come up with that stuff myself. Just because I am good with babies doesn't mean I'll make a good mom. I have all these ideas and visions of what kind of mother I will be but who knows if any of that will actually become a reality. And then I worry about Seth and how having a child will change our marriage. I have no expectations that having a kid will make us more happy than we are now. Oh no, I know it'll just make things harder. That worries me a lot. Even when I do have kids I don't anticipate being a stay-at-home mom. I just don't think it's in the cards for me. I get cabin fever if I sit home for one day. Really. I've really found my place in the nonprofit world and I don't want to walk away from my career for 10-15 years.

So here I am. Ready but not ready. Scared and excited. Who knows when this will happen but I anticipate the kid thing will be a "sooner than later" kind of thing. No, this is no kind of announcement. Yet the fear of change is a big reality for me. The fear of waiting too much longer is overriding that fear of change.

If I can have a Lola, Livie, Oscar, Drex, Calvin, Daniel, Henri - I think it'll all be worth it. You guys have great kids. I'd be lucky to have any half as cute! Someday....