Are you there God? It's me Becky

The other night I was having a conversation with my cousin and sister-in-law about religion and spirituality. It's been nearly 13 years since I have left Mormonism. The three of us talked about our various journeys away from the church. For a few years after I left, I still felt the need to be close to God. I thought about attending another denomination, but nothing felt quite right. I tried to pray, but praying to a God that wasn't the Mormon God I always thought I knew, felt weird. When times got tough, I started asking for help from my family members that have already passed.

At first, it was my grandpa. Losing him was incredibly hard. He left such a gaping hole in our family and in my heart. I still miss him. I suppose I always will. When I was struggling I would often talk out loud to him. That brought me peace.

 As time has gone by, I have stopped praying completely. I couldn't tell you the last time I actually knelt down and prayed. I haven't felt that my life was really missing something. I have began to wonder if I really even believe in a God or a higher being. I've started thinking of myself as agnostic. I don't know. And honestly, I'm ok with that. For the first 20 or so years of my life, I did believe in God. I believed fully. In this phase in my life, I'm just sitting with the idea that there may not be a God. I can't guarantee that I will always feel this way, but for now, I am just trying to let it be.

Interestingly enough, I feel like I have grown into a more compassionate and loving person without religion in my life. I don't look at people and think that they are somehow missing out on some truth. I don't look at people as sinners. I feel like each of us have our own needs and own beliefs that help sustain us through this life. Some absolutely love and need religion and I am completely ok with that. For others, living a life that is accepting, open and focused on equality is enough. I don't mean to imply that those who choose to a religious life are somehow less open. Not at all. I really just am explaining my own path and how I feel it has shaped me.

When I was talking with the girls that night I mentioned a question that I seem to keep bumping up against in this phase. Can I believe in an afterlife and not believe in God? I absolutely believe that our loved-ones are still around. I wouldn't say I believe in "heaven" or "hell" but I do think that they are still "here". Whether that be in some sort of spirit or other realm. I have had too many experiences in my life with family member that is no longer here. I have seen my great-grandmother kneeling next to my bed when I woke up in the middle of the night. She didn't frighten me at all. She smiled, stood up and was gone. I was going through my divorce at the time and I believe she was there to watch over me. When I was really suffering from postpartum depression, I asked my grandma that had passed away just days before, to help me that night.

When Matilda woke up in the middle of the night, I walked into her nursery and smelled roses. The smell was so strong, that it completely stopped me in my tracks. I looked around her nursery thinking, "Maybe Seth brought me roses and put them in here?" Of course, there was nothing. The next day when I sent a message to my aunt Kristy and told her I had a neat experience the night before she said, "You smelled roses didn't you? That's her. That's when she is around." These are just a couple of experiences I have had. But they have been powerful enough for me to believe that life doesn't end when we die.

And then there is David.

Losing my father-in-law was and still is a heart-wrenching experience. The past year and a half has been one of the hardest times of my life. When Seth and I were struggling through our worst times...times when I really thought one or the other would be walking out the door...I asked David for help. In those couple of completely hopeless times, after pleading to David, I have felt things shift. Instantly. And I have been so grateful for him and his guidance.

As I was mentioning this, I had a realization...maybe it wasn't David helping me at all. Maybe it was God.

I think in a way we are all God. David is God. My grandpa is God. I am God. We are all God.

This spiritual journey continues to evolve. I have been thinking a lot about prayer the last few weeks. Prayer used to bring me a lot of peace. I'm realizing that what makes prayer so powerful is the introspection that comes from the act. Prayer causes you to stop, slow down and think about your flaws, your pain and your gratitude. You think about what you could personally work on. "Help me be more patient. Help me be more kind. Help me be a better wife/mother/daughter" Plus the simple act of being grateful makes a person happier. How many of us have a gratitude journal? And then you shift to thinking of those in your life that need help. You stop thinking about yourself and think of them. What a beautiful thing. Maybe I need to pray again. Or meditate. Something that allows me to slow-down, refocus and find ways to be better.

So no, right now I don't believe in a higher-power. But I do believe in the higher-power of us. And of me. And for now, that feels like more than enough.