Weighing Heavily On My Mind

Last night I found myself looking at pictures of the cruise to Europe I took in 2008. I wasn't looking to reminisce about the magical cities I visited ---

I didn't look at them to remember the great times I spent with my family.

Oh no, I was looking at them because to me, 2008 was a good year. I was skinny, I was fit and for the most part I felt sexy an happy.

Now I am not feeling so hot.

Lately I have been feeling very proud of myself. I have been working out like a mad woman. Rather than having my old mentality of "I need to work out at least 3 days a week" I have switched to feeling "I should work out every day." I feel better when I work out. It balances my stress, it's a great release and I have to say there is something amazing about sweating your face off at the gym. While I haven't been perfect I feel like I have been doing really well. I fact, I have been doing the majority of my working out before work. I find some will-power to drag my butt out of bed at 6:00 am so that I can be at the gym by 6:30 and get a good hour long workout in. Once I am there I feel fine but on those cold, dark mornings it is tough. I have been spinning, going to Zumba, weight lifting, going to yoga, or working out on the elliptical for at least an hour a day.

You'd think that my body would be better and stronger than ever with all this effort right? Wrong. Last week was a tough week. I was feeling a bit "off" so I didn't work out. I weighed myself at the end of that week and was pleasantly surprised to be at a decent weight. In fact, I was lighter than the week before. Still I felt guilt for not working out so this past week I was back on the bandwagon. I weigh myself yesterday - and 5 pounds heavier.

W T F ?

Now I don't want to give the impression that I feel like I am fat. I know I'm not fat. I know that I am more fit that probably 85% of Americans. However because of women like Scarlett Johansson I want to look better! Sorry about the revealing pic but damn she looks good!

Yet seeing that number on the scale yesterday weighed heavily on me (ba-bump ching). I was in tears as I got ready for work. I put on some fairly ugly clothes and made my way to the office.

I find it interesting that so much of my mood all depends on that blasted 3 digit number on the scale. If I weigh myself and I am at a good weight I am happy! I wear some cute new clothes, make my way to the office, sing, work hard, enjoy lunch and the rest of my days seems to work out well. However, should I weigh myself and that number is a little big too high - forget it. I am pissed. I feel ugly, I feel terrible about myself, my work isn't as good, my personality is more subdued, etc.

What gives?

This is such a slippery slope. I hate it. I wish I felt confident and strong in who I was no matter what the scale tells me. But I don't. And as a result I am counting my Weight Watchers points again.

Today:

29 daily points:

+8 for zumba class

-2 for coffee (with 2 tblsp cream)

-8 for two fresco crispy tacos

-1 for 4 olives

= 26 points remaining

Will my life always be this way? Will I be stuck counting calories (or points) for the rest of my life? If so that is pretty damn grim. Seth told me this morning, "Oh ya, when I turned 30 my metabolism totally slowed down."

Great.

Seth has been counting his calories this week. He had to cut his normal calorie intake of 2380 (first of all I can't believe he gets that many calories a day!) to 1630. He's lost oh - 3 to 5 pounds. Yep. Oh he went running a couple times for about 30 minutes as well. And he has lost 5 pounds.

Yet here I am working my ass off (sadly not literally), eating a meager oh 1200 calories (if I have a good day) and I am gaining weight. I hate everything.

Which brings me to my second "point" of this blog: why do men have is so much easier?

Girls, I ask you this: If a coworker brings in bagels to work because, oh we have a band live on RadioWest today - can you resist eating one? I can't. I eat one. And then I pay for it the rest of the day. Seriously, I will tear myself apart because I had a bagel. A BAGEL! I'll force myself to go to the gym or I'll consider the day a bust and just go all out with food and then feel even worse about myself.

Guys, I ask you this: I know you would eat the bagel - but would you even think about it again? My guess is not. Guys just eat what they want and let it go. Who cares if they have a doughnut - it sounded good. They don't care and yet they still stay skinny.

Maybe it has something to do with our clothes? My clothes are a constant reminder of my imperfections. If my shirt is too tight then I have a fat hanging over certain jeans. Do my thighs look too big in these skinny jeans? We have allowed terms like "muffin top" or "school teacher arms" to play not only into our conversations but into our subconscious. And it sucks.

Guys on the other hand don't have manifestations of all their imperfections in their natural wardrobes. They wear t-shirts and baggier jeans. They don't wear pencil skirts to show off their legs or sleeveless shirts to show off their untoned arms. Maybe that's the secret? A less form fitting wardrobe?

Yet men are the first to make jokes about Michelle Obama's figure vs. Sarah Palin's figure. If I have to read another status update or hear another joke about this I am going to punch an unsuspecting man in the face (not true). When was the last time you heard someone compare oh Johnny Depp to Alec Baldwin? You don't. That's just it. I think Alec Baldwin is sexy and yet he has a giant belly. It's all good.

Women don't get as much slack. If Jennifer Love Hewitt gains some weight it is all over the magazines, internet, late night talk shows. I'm tired of it. It pisses me off.

Today I am wearing jeans that feel too tight on my thighs and slightly baggy in my butt. I'm wearing a tshirt that is less form fitting and a cardigan over that. All because the scale just didn't budge enough today.

I am tired of my weight running my life and my emotions. I am TIRED of it. I just want to be healthy. So although the working out may make me a bit heavier I'll still do it. It'll help my emotional well-being. It will help reduce my risks of cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc. I'll continue counting my points because damn I want to feel sexy in a bikini this summer like I did in 2008. Which was far from perfect but better than now. And yes, this was my best shot at a "top model" pose. Clearly modeling was NOT in the cards for me.

What is the point of this blog? Nothing. I guess I just needed to vent. Weight management is tough. While I shouldn't let it monopolize so much of my life, it just does. It's a slippery slope indeed.