Facebook Woes

Facebook.

What to say about Facebook?

Most of the time I love it. I love connecting with old friends. I love keeping tabs on my family and friends. I love hearing about their work, their good meals, their children, their happiness. I love keeping an eye on my pregnant friends. I love seeing pictures of Ashtin and her lovely family so happy in Hawaii. I love watching goofy videos that people post. I love spreading the word about the various nonprofits I have worked for. There are a lot of things that I love about Facebook.

That being said: I also really despise Facebook. I hate the self promoting. I hate the status updates that are pointless, too negative, too 13-year-old girl sounding, too telling (for the whole world to see), too political, too leading, too vague, etc. You know the posts.

I had a really negative experience with Facebook this week. It gave me one of the biggest anxiety attacks I have ever had. I lost my appetite. I was shaking I was so angry. I felt attacked unfairly. I felt provoked. I felt especially hurt because this was from a family member.

I won't go into the details but it has made me question whether or not I ever want to get back on Facebook.

It's no surprise to you all that I am very liberal. I am very political and very involved. I know I am far from perfect but I try really hard to phrase my status updates in a way that won't overly offend people that have different political beliefs than I do. I know I wasn't like this in the past but I feel like now I really try to make a conscious effort to screen what I post. I actually hide particular people from posts because I don't want to offend people I care deeply about. Did you guys know you can do that? Genius!

Most offensive posts I can let roll off me. Most of the time I just hide the friend with the offending posts and move on. However there have been a few posts lately that have really got me going. Gun rights, a post about being a mom/not being a mom and now a political/sexist post have just really irked me. I mean, irked me to the point that I have had to go back and forth about issues with people I don't event know. Posts that people start calling me names and accusing me of stuff that is totally out of line. I am not the person that can just ignore really offensive posts. Some posts just take it too far. I will call people out on their stuff if I think they are being unreasonable. However, I always look for a good debate. Not name calling, not Glenn Beck talking points, but a good debate. Look, if you have different views than me - great. Just back up what you feel. Don't call me names and yell at me for something you can't even verbalize. I have many family members and many dear friends that have very different beliefs than me. But I respect them so much because I know why they believe what they do. That's all I ask. Back up your beliefs. Back up your reasoning. I'll respect you 10xs more.

Due to this family member I have decided to take a month break from Facebook. I can't be emotionally wrapped up in something that was brought on by a mean spirited post. I can't lose sleep over it anymore. I just can't. Honestly, this is going to be a tough task for me. I was home sick with the flu all weekend and I had to make such an effort not to log onto Facebook and waste time. I know I'll be more productive at work and at home if I just stay away. I'm not sure if I will last but I am really going to try. I want to see if I can remember what it is like to live in a world where I don't have to hear what Timms ate for lunch, or what 'the punk' said, or what song is making Jon cry today (ha- I love you all). I think I'll be ok.

I do ask that you text me, call me or email me this month. I will miss that connection. I'll also miss updating you all about my first KUER fund drive. It'll be a fun 10 days and my first real shot at being live on the radio. I'll miss keeping you updated about what I think is important. But I know you won't miss it. I mean really, Facebook is not the most meaningful communication. Still, I love/hate it.

Weighing Heavily On My Mind

Last night I found myself looking at pictures of the cruise to Europe I took in 2008. I wasn't looking to reminisce about the magical cities I visited ---

I didn't look at them to remember the great times I spent with my family.

Oh no, I was looking at them because to me, 2008 was a good year. I was skinny, I was fit and for the most part I felt sexy an happy.

Now I am not feeling so hot.

Lately I have been feeling very proud of myself. I have been working out like a mad woman. Rather than having my old mentality of "I need to work out at least 3 days a week" I have switched to feeling "I should work out every day." I feel better when I work out. It balances my stress, it's a great release and I have to say there is something amazing about sweating your face off at the gym. While I haven't been perfect I feel like I have been doing really well. I fact, I have been doing the majority of my working out before work. I find some will-power to drag my butt out of bed at 6:00 am so that I can be at the gym by 6:30 and get a good hour long workout in. Once I am there I feel fine but on those cold, dark mornings it is tough. I have been spinning, going to Zumba, weight lifting, going to yoga, or working out on the elliptical for at least an hour a day.

You'd think that my body would be better and stronger than ever with all this effort right? Wrong. Last week was a tough week. I was feeling a bit "off" so I didn't work out. I weighed myself at the end of that week and was pleasantly surprised to be at a decent weight. In fact, I was lighter than the week before. Still I felt guilt for not working out so this past week I was back on the bandwagon. I weigh myself yesterday - and 5 pounds heavier.

W T F ?

Now I don't want to give the impression that I feel like I am fat. I know I'm not fat. I know that I am more fit that probably 85% of Americans. However because of women like Scarlett Johansson I want to look better! Sorry about the revealing pic but damn she looks good!

Yet seeing that number on the scale yesterday weighed heavily on me (ba-bump ching). I was in tears as I got ready for work. I put on some fairly ugly clothes and made my way to the office.

I find it interesting that so much of my mood all depends on that blasted 3 digit number on the scale. If I weigh myself and I am at a good weight I am happy! I wear some cute new clothes, make my way to the office, sing, work hard, enjoy lunch and the rest of my days seems to work out well. However, should I weigh myself and that number is a little big too high - forget it. I am pissed. I feel ugly, I feel terrible about myself, my work isn't as good, my personality is more subdued, etc.

What gives?

This is such a slippery slope. I hate it. I wish I felt confident and strong in who I was no matter what the scale tells me. But I don't. And as a result I am counting my Weight Watchers points again.

Today:

29 daily points:

+8 for zumba class

-2 for coffee (with 2 tblsp cream)

-8 for two fresco crispy tacos

-1 for 4 olives

= 26 points remaining

Will my life always be this way? Will I be stuck counting calories (or points) for the rest of my life? If so that is pretty damn grim. Seth told me this morning, "Oh ya, when I turned 30 my metabolism totally slowed down."

Great.

Seth has been counting his calories this week. He had to cut his normal calorie intake of 2380 (first of all I can't believe he gets that many calories a day!) to 1630. He's lost oh - 3 to 5 pounds. Yep. Oh he went running a couple times for about 30 minutes as well. And he has lost 5 pounds.

Yet here I am working my ass off (sadly not literally), eating a meager oh 1200 calories (if I have a good day) and I am gaining weight. I hate everything.

Which brings me to my second "point" of this blog: why do men have is so much easier?

Girls, I ask you this: If a coworker brings in bagels to work because, oh we have a band live on RadioWest today - can you resist eating one? I can't. I eat one. And then I pay for it the rest of the day. Seriously, I will tear myself apart because I had a bagel. A BAGEL! I'll force myself to go to the gym or I'll consider the day a bust and just go all out with food and then feel even worse about myself.

Guys, I ask you this: I know you would eat the bagel - but would you even think about it again? My guess is not. Guys just eat what they want and let it go. Who cares if they have a doughnut - it sounded good. They don't care and yet they still stay skinny.

Maybe it has something to do with our clothes? My clothes are a constant reminder of my imperfections. If my shirt is too tight then I have a fat hanging over certain jeans. Do my thighs look too big in these skinny jeans? We have allowed terms like "muffin top" or "school teacher arms" to play not only into our conversations but into our subconscious. And it sucks.

Guys on the other hand don't have manifestations of all their imperfections in their natural wardrobes. They wear t-shirts and baggier jeans. They don't wear pencil skirts to show off their legs or sleeveless shirts to show off their untoned arms. Maybe that's the secret? A less form fitting wardrobe?

Yet men are the first to make jokes about Michelle Obama's figure vs. Sarah Palin's figure. If I have to read another status update or hear another joke about this I am going to punch an unsuspecting man in the face (not true). When was the last time you heard someone compare oh Johnny Depp to Alec Baldwin? You don't. That's just it. I think Alec Baldwin is sexy and yet he has a giant belly. It's all good.

Women don't get as much slack. If Jennifer Love Hewitt gains some weight it is all over the magazines, internet, late night talk shows. I'm tired of it. It pisses me off.

Today I am wearing jeans that feel too tight on my thighs and slightly baggy in my butt. I'm wearing a tshirt that is less form fitting and a cardigan over that. All because the scale just didn't budge enough today.

I am tired of my weight running my life and my emotions. I am TIRED of it. I just want to be healthy. So although the working out may make me a bit heavier I'll still do it. It'll help my emotional well-being. It will help reduce my risks of cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc. I'll continue counting my points because damn I want to feel sexy in a bikini this summer like I did in 2008. Which was far from perfect but better than now. And yes, this was my best shot at a "top model" pose. Clearly modeling was NOT in the cards for me.

What is the point of this blog? Nothing. I guess I just needed to vent. Weight management is tough. While I shouldn't let it monopolize so much of my life, it just does. It's a slippery slope indeed.

March 12th

It's the time again. I once again documented a day in my life on the 12th of March. I tried out this new iPhone app for my pictures this month. I think they are kind of interesting. Here we go:

#1- I had a chance to see my little sister Michelle sing at a church event, unexpectedly. What a gorgeous voice this girl has. Gorgeous voice, gorgeous girl.

#2 - Another really ugly picture of me and Timms - at a bowling alley. I think this is hilarious.

#3 - Seth enjoying his last few bites of Indian food. The Indian food that had us all in a food coma afterward.

#4 - A slightly less ugly picture of me and Timms. She was an event planner pro at her Big Brothers Big Sisters Event. Way to go Beef!

#5 - Spring shopping! As the seasons change my desire for new clothes comes out in full force. I spent a small fortune at Ann Taylor. I'm in love with this dress but resisted it. Until next pay check that is. :)

#6 - The first signs of spring in my yard. This makes me so happy. The large amount of work that will soon be upon Seth & I because of spring doesn't make me so happy.

#7 - Today I read a lot. This book is about Catherine de Medici. Fascinating. I love historical fiction! Next on my list "Great Expectations." Ugh - damn you book club!

#8 - My friend Jake bowling at the above fundraiser. Our team raised I believe $600 or so - go team! Thanks to everyone that donated!

#9 - Typical snack for Becky: pickles, popcorn and Diet Coke. I even drink the pickle juice. Yum!

#10 - James sipping his Mango Lassi at Katmandu. Seriously the greatest drink ever.

#11 - Lamb Momos. Not my meat of choice but these were pretty good anyways!

#12 - Seth and I in a rare decent picture of the two of us.

The Tale of Two Tubes

Tube Bunny came into our lives one fateful summer day in Boise. Seth and I were wandering around the Hyde Park Street Fair. It was full of really awful arts and crafts booths. It was full of belly dancers, hula hoopers, fairies and tie-dye. I wandered into a booth with some great hats and jewelry when I hear Seth laughing hysterically. He runs around the corner with what may be the ugliest stuffed animal I have ever seen. It was this oblong orange and white stripped thing - with tube like ears and a felt face.

He had a huge smile on his face and said, "Look! It's a tube and it's a bunny! Can I buy it!? It's hilarious!!"

Seth isn't one to buy random things and so of course I agreed. He was so happy.

Our awkward stuffed animal was quickly named Tube Bunny and he became our first pet. Tube Bunny is a great pet. He's always happy when we get home. He never makes a mess. He doesn't scratch our furniture or poop on the carpet. He is a great head rest and is nice to snuggle with.

Tube Bunny also talks. His accent is slightly southern and pretty high pitched. (Just go with me on this). Tube Bunny tells me often than he loves Seth more than me. Tube Bunny is very knowledgable about current events "That Sarah Pallin is crazy!" and "Universal healthcare is quite necessary." When our friend Maggie said, "Tube Bunny, I didn't know you had a brain" he quickly retorted, "My whole tube is a brain!"

Tube Bunny likes to be scratched between his ears. He likes to snuggle and he loves offering his body for a good head rest. He loves watching Glee and football. He loves being the life of the party, even if it means dressing up as a fairy.

He really loves when kids play with him. He loved when Anne, Maggie and Timms came to visit us in Boise. Everyone loves Tube Bunny. But no one loves Tube Bunny more than Seth.

A couple of months ago I decided that I needed to make Seth another "tube pet" for his birthday. To Seth, nothing is better than a homemade gift. One of the best gifts I have ever given him was a t-shirt with one of my animal drawings (an owl to be exact). He loves that shirt. He just loves when people put for the effort to make him a gift.

Let me just say that I am NOT creative. I can't sew, craft, draw, etc. for the life of me. I knew that if I was to take on this project I would need someone with the real skills to help me out. Enter my mom. Enter Tube Kitty.

Superbowl Sunday we began our "tube creation". Obviously we didn't have a pattern. I snuck Tube Bunny out of the house so we could reference him in our tube creation. I purchased a green striped towel and mom was prepared with the batting and the felt and off we went.

I cut the towel and saved enough to create a tail and ears. We used a candleholder to make our best guess at the size of the circle for Tube Kitty's face/butt. We pinned him and held our breaths as mom put the first sew into our tube pet. Tube Bunny was especially nervous as he watched.

We did pretty well and then moved onto the tail. The tail looked like a snake after we sewed and stuffed it. Not at all cute but rather slightly disturbing.

Tube Bunny and I weren't sure how this was going to turn out. We were nervous.

We got the tube made and the face put on. And then we stuffed. We laughed and laughed watching Tube Kitty come to life.

Then came the hard part. How do we sew the other end on? I was just happy he was turning out so well.

We had to delay, consult the neighborhood seamstress and then (bless her) mom was able to sew on Tube Kitty's face.

The morning of Seth's birthday I went to Mom's to put the finishing touches on Tube Kitty. I hot glued the face. Once done I laughed and laughed. Tube Kitty was pretty awesome but oh so ugly. I knew Seth would love it. Tube Kitty & Tube Bunny were a perfect pair.

I walked inside and presented my 36-year-old husband with his gift. He gasped he was so excited. In fact he got a little teary eyed he was so happy.

Seth loves Tube Kitty (or Tube Fritas). Don't be mistaken though. There are a few things about Tube Kitty that you should know. First, Tube Kitty doesn't talk. He just mews once. If you come over and you are lucky you'll hear a little "mew" of approval.

Tube Kitty gets into trouble. Every now and then we'll catch him scratching the furniture.

However, Tube Kitty will never, ever replace Tube Bunny. Seth stayed up late one night suturing his tail back on when it was falling off. Tube Bunny may be getting old. He may be very dirty (trust me I have worried about how I'll possibly clean him) but Tube Bunny rules this house. He has the full affection of Seth. Nothing will ever replace Tubey.

About a month ago Seth wanted to watch "Alice in Wonderland" while I was working in the bedroom. I heard him say "Come here Tube Bunny. You are just like the Cheshire Cat, except a Tube."

Seth tries to pay attention to both of our Tubes. They are pretty good snuggly pets after all.