The New & Unimproved Me

I went to my 20-year high school reunion this past weekend. I always assumed I would be excited and eager to go, until reality hit. I am no where near the person that I was when I was 18. In most ways I am grateful for that. Who wouldn't be? I mean other than the number on the scale and the youthful skin, obviously. I was young and clueless. Now I am "wise" and "successful." I should walk into this reunion with my head held high. "This isn't the Becky Avery you remember. This is Becky Youkstetter and I am proud of who I am!"

As the date crept closer and I started taking a lot of strolls down memory lane, I realized that no longer being that 18-year-old version of myself was not necessarily a good thing. Looking back I realized something, that Becky was sweet and really made an effort to be good and kind to everyone. I was as Mormon as they came and prided myself on being a good example to others. I was focused and dedicated to my religion, my school work, my family and my hobbies. I was a really good teenager. Something I hope pays off karmically with my current 7 going on 17-year-old. I genuinely feel like I was an overall good human back then.

Now? Well now this Becky is jaded. She's been divorced and struggles nearly every day to keep her marriage of 10-years alive. She not only isn't religious, she no longer believes in a god. She rarely takes any real time for self-reflection or steps to improve herself. She's horribly out-of-shape and 20 pounds overweight. She drinks way too often. And sometimes goes to parties and drinks way too much. She's set in her ways. She's impatient and she is stubborn. She complains about being a mom and often refers to her children as assholes. Oh - and she talks like a sailor. She can't keep up with her life. She neglects the people that matter most (like her 90-year-old grandma) because she feels like she doesn't have the time. She needs constant approval and acknowledgment from others because her self-esteem is so low. This Becky... right now... she's a hot mess.

I went to the reunion anyway. I pulled up my spanx and hoped that people wouldn't whisper behind my back about "how much weight Becky gained." I felt anxious but walked into the country club with my head held high and my gorgeous best friend in tow. And you know, it wasn't that bad. It was great, in fact. I spent time talking to people that I barely knew in high school. The cool kids, the jocks and the cheerleaders. Turns out I really enjoyed getting to know them and think that I may have found some new friends. I hung out with some of the best people I know and rekindled friendships that have long been overdue. I had a really wonderful time.

The next day I heard something that shook me to my core. Someone didn't go to the reunion because I was going to be there. That I was absolute trash of a person, who was awful on Facebook and even worse in person. This person (not sure who it is) is so disgusted by me that they couldn't even come to a place where there were over 100 other people. I am that bad.

I'm still shaken and have really been focused on who I am now. I have thought back to the reunion and I have found myself wondering how I was perceived at the event. I was so focused on feeling like I belonged that I drank way too much. I apologized over and over to people about how "righteous" and "annoying" I was in high school. I was rude and loud and tried to portray a confident woman and I think I made an ass out of myself.

My dear, kind and sober girlfriends drove me to the afterparty. I laughed when they asked if I was going to be ok inside the bar. Part of me was likely priding myself on how much I knew about alcohol and how clueless they were. Now I just feel like an ass. They have been there for 22-years in my life and now I'm embarrassed to see them again.

I keep thinking to myself, "Don't let one person's opinion bother you. Don't let them shake you. You are a good person Becky." But I can't let this one go. I can't let it go because the hatred of me was so strong. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea - but I must not see myself clearly if someone considers me trash.

I feel like I have reached a crossroads. I can either wallow in self-pity (trust me, I am deep in that right now), drink heavily and think, "fuck that person!" Or I can work on myself. I can start doing things to help myself. For years I have wanted to do more for myself. I have wanted to write, do yoga, meditate, read inspiring books, visit my grandmother weekly but I never have made the time. My kids are entering an easier phase, I should be able to shift. I'm not always bone-tired when they are in bed anymore (still often though). I can cut out people and things in my life that no longer bring out the best in me. If I can improve ME I will improve all aspects of my life. My husband will like me more. I'll be a better mom. I'll be a better friend. I'll be a much better version of me. Because I need to. It's time.

I doubt the person that said those things will ever read or see this. To that person, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever I have done to cause you to feel so much hatred toward me. I know I'm not always a good person. I make mistakes. I do stupid things. So thank you pointing this out - for causing me to question who I am to my core and for pushing me in the right direction. I doubt you will ever care for me, but maybe your hatred will lessen to dislike instead. Maybe I'll see you at our 30-year reunion. Maybe I'll be tolerable by then.

Holding On for Dear Life

Last night I had invited family and a few neighbors over to celebrate Matilda's 4th birthday. It wasn't anything major, just cake and ice-cream. I had watched the weather forecast go from a beautiful sunny and warm day to a cold rainy day. I was really hoping to have everyone outside, but alas, it's Spring in Utah. Change of plans. I had to hurry to make sure the house was ready for a huge gathering. We got a pet bunny the day before and there was overall chaos in my house. A few hours before everyone was set to arrive, I was frantically baking two cakes, cleaning the house and putting out tables and chairs. I hadn't sat down in hours. My feet hurt, my body ached from the barre class I went to that morning. I was cross with the girls and neighbor kids for running through the house, making more messes when all I wanted to do was get everything cleaned and set up so I could hurry and cook dinner before 25 people arrived.

Suddenly I got a text from my mom (just a few hours before the party was about to start). "What about Grandma? Is she coming?"

My heart sank. I'd tried so hard to make this work, to hold it all together,  but I failed.

I completely forgot to invite my adorable and wonderful 89-year-old grandma. A mistake I had made a mere two months ago for Millie's birthday.

I frantically tried calling her but couldn't reach her. I left her a message and said we were having cake and ice-cream that evening and to let me know if she wanted to come so we could come and pick her up. I never heard back. Sooner than I needed it to be, it was 6:30pm and the party began to arrive. I was frantically shoveling dinner in my mouth because - surprise surprise - I didn't get dinner finished in time.

The party went fine and people had fun. Tilda was over the moon about her gifts and her cake.

By 8:00pm everyone was gone. The party was mostly cleaned up. The girls were in bed and I was exhausted. But first, I had to fold laundry since I had zero time to catch up with it that weekend. Finally Seth and I collapsed in bed.

The next morning my mom told me to call her. "This is going to make you sad, but grandma thinks you don't like her. That you don't want to spend time with her."

You know those moments where you feel the world drop out from under you. Those moments where no matter how hard you try you know you failed with a giant F? This was one of those moments. I could never dislike my grandma. Ever. In no reality would that happen.

Yet, here I am. My actions have caused her to think that. And you know what? It feels like shit. I feel like shit. I don't spend time with her. I don't and the realization that my time with her is limited makes me sick to my stomach.  When I worked at KUER and had 1 kid, I went to see her often because I had a day a week at home. I had a day to be home with Millie. A day where I could take care of doctor appointments, laundry and yes...I'd take some time to go see Grandma. I don't have that anymore. I have a much more demanding job. I work 5 days a week. Seth works every other weekend. I'm trying to stay afloat but the truth is: I am drowning.

Working moms - do we have it all? In some ways, sure. The reality however, is much different. The reality is realizing on a Tuesday morning that I haven't invited anyone to Matilda's birthday that coming weekend. It means stopping whatever task I am supposed to be doing at work to take some time to text all of the family about said party. Grandma doesn't text (again, she's 89) so I didn't invite her. I simply sent the text and then likely ran out the door to a lunch meeting. The reality is realizing that you forgot to take treats to your kid's preschool class for her birthday. The reality is, your first-grader is disappointed that you can't chaperone her field trip to see Alice in Wonderland that week. The reality is, you daily have to choose between taking care of yourself and getting a workout in (which lord knows you need being 30 pounds overweight) - or seeing your kids for 2 hours before they go to bed instead of 3. The reality is your brain is constantly pulled in a thousand different directions. From Millie's sassy back-talking and Tilda not sleeping through the night, to submitting a $500k grant proposal. From working on your struggling marriage to inviting potential donors to a benefit. It's sending emails to board members and then stressing out about whether or not you should sign Millie up for horseback riding and Tilda for swimming lessons. And that hedge in the backyard? It needs to be trimmed - so I need to find time to get bids for someone to come trim it. It's then switching to putting together an agenda for my capital campaign committee.

This is my reality. It's ugly, it's overwhelming and I feel like I am half-assing everything in my life. And I try, I try so hard to create systems and processes to make my life run smoothly. I meal plan and shop on the weekends. I keep work to-do lists, home to-do lists, shopping lists, etc. I try and keep up with the laundry. I try to sort through the girl's backpacks and make sure we do some homework. I try to find fun activities to do on the weekends but lately I just need to stay home to get caught up. Each week feels like a marathon and then I have the weekends, not to rest, but to plan for the next marathon of a week. By Wednesday I'm exhausted. I get home from work, don't follow the meal plans because I just don't. want. to. cook. again. I throw the kids some scrambled eggs and drink some wine. The house is a mess again. I don't sleep and I just try and keep my head above water.

I can hear everyone now - SIMPLIFY Becky! You don't need to have a clean house (even though the mess makes me feel 10xs more anxious when it's a messa). Maybe you should cut some things out like mentoring, bunco, and all the other things you do outside of work and home? Hire someone to clean your house! Hire someone to mow your lawn! You aren't that fat...give yourself some grace.

All very valid options. But that's not the way I think.

I think, maybe I need to just work harder. Watch less Netflix. Stay up late and wake up earlier. Workout before the kids get up in the morning. Practice mindfulness. Clean the house after the kids go to bed. Blog or start that podcast that you've been talking about for years!

I just don't know how. I don't know how to be a good mom and still keep our family running smoothly. I don't know how to be a successful fundraiser when I have to be home on-time each day in order to see my kids and not fail as a mom. I don't know how to be there for my grandma when I can't be there for myself. I realize I can't do it all, I just can't.

In the meantime, I'll just keep trying. Because my kids may not do fun Easter Crafts like I envisioned, but they are loved. I may not be the best fundraiser I can be right now, but I'm still going to work hard until I am. I may not be comfortable in a swimming suit - but I still plan on putting one on and jumping in that pool on Memorial weekend.

Sometimes I do think I am gracefully faking it. Now is not one of those times. Right now I'm more of the "holding on for dear life" kind of woman.

I Was So Wrong 2018

2018 has come and gone. I sat down intending to write an eloquent blog about overcoming so much in 2018 and how 2019 is going to be so much better. Yet as I flipped through pictures on my phone, I realized that 2018 wasn't all that bad. In fact, it was pretty damn good. Sure it had its really odd and hard times. I felt myself challenged and doubting myself more than I wish I had. But I came out the other side. Turns out I am really grateful for 2018. Here are some of my favorite moments.

January

In January my sister told me she was going to fly to Oklahoma City to help her son Parker propose to his girlfriend. He met his soon-to-be fiance on their mission. The two were taking a trip back to see the people that they met during their time there and he wanted to propose. January in Oklahoma City? Cold. So so cold. And he wanted to propose outside? Well....ok! My sister is a magic maker. She brought suitcases of supplies and had boxes more shipped to a friend there. And then we set about our business. We hung hundreds of lights, candles and lanterns in this remote park overlooking a pond. We spent 5 hours in the 12 degree weather setting up the PERFECT proposal sight. It was so fun to see these lovebirds get engaged. It was worth every frozen finger and toe.

February

Seth, Millie and I all have February birthdays. After nearly killing myself creating a magical My Little Pony birthday party for Millie, I decided I wanted to get out of town and go to away with Seth. For our birthday weekend went went to Zion. We spent three days in Springdale where we nearly froze (it was unseasonably cold) but hiked some amazing and uncrowded hikes. We ate a lot of great meals, stayed in an amazing hotel and just enjoyed time together. It was just what we needed.

March

I fell in love with the desert this year. Absolutely head-over-heels in love with the red rocks and the way they offer such a stark contrast to the bright blue sky. I loved the feel of the sun on my face when escaping the cold, smoggy air of Salt Lake City. I was mesmerized by the cacti blooming in the spring. The desert is my place. Luckily my job at KUER had me spending time in Southern Utah the first 5 months of the year. I spent several weekends there alone and absolutely felt refreshed by it. I need to go back.

April

At last the smog cleared, and Spring arrived. I didn't realize how amazing Spring was until I had kids that have been cooped up in the house all winter. Those early warm days are some of the best of the year. There is nothing better than sitting outside on a perfectly cool evening enjoying the blossoms.

April also turned out to be my last time on-air at KUER. I didn't know I was leaving at the time, but the fund drives were always a highlight of my time there. I still can't listen to the fund drives. It feels too weird to not be part of it anymore.

May

One word can sum-up May: Hamilton. After obsessing for months and months over this musical I finally saw it. In fact, I saw a lot of amazing theater in Salt Lake this year. Hamilton, Waitress, Come from Away, Sweeney Todd, etc. Hamilton was almost everything I wanted it to be (come on, couldn't we have cast a better Washington?) My friend Timms and I met the cast after, I rode Trax with Aaron Burr...sir. It was a great night.

In May we also took a vacation and found the beach. The bottom picture of Tilda with her binky is one of my favorites. We said goodbye for good to the binky after this trip. It was refreshing and wonderful to get away.

June

And just like that, it was Summer. The season I usually dread. But the summer gods smiled upon me and gave me owls and my love of summer was solidified. One evening in June I received a text from my neighbor saying "There is an owl in our backyards!" We went outside and saw a baby owl flying around. I was hooked. We soon discovered that we had an entire nest of Western Screech Owls in our back yard and it was pretty much the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. They turned a summer-hater into a summer-lover. I spent nearly every night for 7-8 weeks outside watching my owls. They weren't shy and I would often get within feet of them. I tried to make them love me. I talked to them. I offered them hotdogs...but before long....they flew the nest. I was devastated. But really, they were the greatest summer surprise.

My sister-in-law moved to a gated community just up the street. We spent many Sundays at the pool. Which, normally is not my thing. This year? LOVED it. The girls were happy to swim and swim. I was happy to sun and chat with my family. Pretty dreamy.

Finally, I said goodbye to KUER at the end of June...I already wrote extensively about my love of KUER. It was a hard place to say goodbye to.

July

Seth and I took another weekend jaunt together after I finished at KUER, and before I started my new job at United Way. We decided another weekend hiking was the best idea, and it was. We stayed at an amazing rental, a tiny cabin in Wyoming. We went into Jackson Hole for the day. We did puzzles while drinking wine and listening to records. And we hiked to the top of Table Rock in the Tetons. I nearly died. But it was beautiful. Oh and we spent hours listening to the podcast "My Dad Wrote A Porno." One of the highlights of the entire year was when Seth laughed so hard while we were listening that he nearly threw up. Listen people. Trust me.

I also started my new job at United Way of Salt Lake in July. This month was a blur. It was exhausting and overwhelming being the new girl at such a BIG place. But I eventually got my feet under me.

August

We rounded out summer in August with outdoor concerts, movies, swimming and barbecues. I actually had so many wonderful nights in August. WHO AM I!? Oh, apparently I'm a girl who finally loves summer. I found a way to live with the sweat. Summer may be hot, but I don't have to keep my girls entertained constantly. The doorbell rings early in the morning and neighborhood kids come wandering in with bedhead and pajamas and begin their hours of playing We don't rush to get kids off to school in the morning so mornings are far less stressful. Bedtime is stretched to accommodate swinging as the sun sets. We eat outside, play games outside, color outside. I would come home many nights to an army of kids riding bikes and scooters in our circle. I got to continue honing my greenish thumb. Summer is pretty great you guys. But lets not get carried away, nothing is better than Fall.

September

And just like that, my baby was off to preschool. The evenings cooled down. I started baking.

Sweet cinnamon pumpkin candles were lit 60% of the time in my home. Fall was coming. And I was sick as a dog for a couple weeks. The leaves began to change and it finally was cool. My season was here.

I wish I could describe how much I love autumn. It's just when I feel best and most alive. I move indoors and create a coziness in my home again. I feel focused and happy. It's the most beautiful time of year. Nothing beats it. The smells, the activities, the sights. It's all damn near perfect.

October

We were back to the desert in October for a family vacation. It was so needed after a few stressful months at a new job. Family vacations are starting to feel like actual vacations. Finally. I mean, it's not as refreshing as trips sans children, but we do get some time to sleep and rest. We had a great time with the Youkstetters. We always do.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. This year I didn't have my big Halloween party, which bummed me out. Last year I learned over and over again that I can't do everything. I had to simplify where I could. So I didn't have a party although it broke my heart. I did have some neighbors over for chili before heading out to trick-or-treat. The adults carried cocktails and the kids ran from house to house. It was ridiculously fun. I love this group of people. How did I get so lucky to move where I did?

November

November wasn't too eventful but I did get to spend time with these lovely ladies. Which made me realize how great 2018 was for friends. I don't think it's common to find a new group of friends in your late 30s but I have had so much fun with this amazing group. Some are old friends that I have reconnected with after 15 years. Others are brand new. But man I have had a great time and a great year thanks to these people.

I feel so lucky to have so many good friends. New friends, old friends, work friends, etc. I'm a lucky woman.

December

And then there was London. Seth surprised me in September. It was a particularly hard weekend. I was sick, the girls were sick and Seth was sick. I was cooped up and feeling depressed when he said, "How do you feel about going to London in December?" Well duh! This will have it's own blog post, but we went for 3 days and 3 nights to the greatest city in the world. He loved it like I love it. It was pure magic. More to come...it really deserves its own blog.

We rounded out 2018 with an overly packed Christmas. It was exhausting but so much fun. Our girls are just at the perfect ages. They had fun with the damn Elf on the Shelf every morning. We did all the typical holiday activities. We baked, we decorated, we went on the Polar Express, we drover through lights, we saw Santa, etc. I nearly exhausted myself trying to create memories for them.

It was all worth it on Christmas morning. It really was perfect. They were so happy, so excited and I was just filled with joy. I love being their mom.

I went into 2018 with high hopes for myself. I was going to lose those 20 pounds. I was going to get off my depression meds. I was going to find "me" again. It wasn't until I started gathering my thoughts for this blog that I realized I've always been here. It wasn't perfect but it really was a remarkable year. I changed jobs but survived. My marriage was rocky at times but we overcame the problems again and again. My family suffered through addiction issues but everyone is alive. We made it. We didn't just make it, it was a great year. I feel guilty for thinking it was so awful. It wasn't. It was great. Who cares about that 20 pounds...there is always 2019.