Holding On for Dear Life

Last night I had invited family and a few neighbors over to celebrate Matilda's 4th birthday. It wasn't anything major, just cake and ice-cream. I had watched the weather forecast go from a beautiful sunny and warm day to a cold rainy day. I was really hoping to have everyone outside, but alas, it's Spring in Utah. Change of plans. I had to hurry to make sure the house was ready for a huge gathering. We got a pet bunny the day before and there was overall chaos in my house. A few hours before everyone was set to arrive, I was frantically baking two cakes, cleaning the house and putting out tables and chairs. I hadn't sat down in hours. My feet hurt, my body ached from the barre class I went to that morning. I was cross with the girls and neighbor kids for running through the house, making more messes when all I wanted to do was get everything cleaned and set up so I could hurry and cook dinner before 25 people arrived.

Suddenly I got a text from my mom (just a few hours before the party was about to start). "What about Grandma? Is she coming?"

My heart sank. I'd tried so hard to make this work, to hold it all together,  but I failed.

I completely forgot to invite my adorable and wonderful 89-year-old grandma. A mistake I had made a mere two months ago for Millie's birthday.

I frantically tried calling her but couldn't reach her. I left her a message and said we were having cake and ice-cream that evening and to let me know if she wanted to come so we could come and pick her up. I never heard back. Sooner than I needed it to be, it was 6:30pm and the party began to arrive. I was frantically shoveling dinner in my mouth because - surprise surprise - I didn't get dinner finished in time.

The party went fine and people had fun. Tilda was over the moon about her gifts and her cake.

By 8:00pm everyone was gone. The party was mostly cleaned up. The girls were in bed and I was exhausted. But first, I had to fold laundry since I had zero time to catch up with it that weekend. Finally Seth and I collapsed in bed.

The next morning my mom told me to call her. "This is going to make you sad, but grandma thinks you don't like her. That you don't want to spend time with her."

You know those moments where you feel the world drop out from under you. Those moments where no matter how hard you try you know you failed with a giant F? This was one of those moments. I could never dislike my grandma. Ever. In no reality would that happen.

Yet, here I am. My actions have caused her to think that. And you know what? It feels like shit. I feel like shit. I don't spend time with her. I don't and the realization that my time with her is limited makes me sick to my stomach.  When I worked at KUER and had 1 kid, I went to see her often because I had a day a week at home. I had a day to be home with Millie. A day where I could take care of doctor appointments, laundry and yes...I'd take some time to go see Grandma. I don't have that anymore. I have a much more demanding job. I work 5 days a week. Seth works every other weekend. I'm trying to stay afloat but the truth is: I am drowning.

Working moms - do we have it all? In some ways, sure. The reality however, is much different. The reality is realizing on a Tuesday morning that I haven't invited anyone to Matilda's birthday that coming weekend. It means stopping whatever task I am supposed to be doing at work to take some time to text all of the family about said party. Grandma doesn't text (again, she's 89) so I didn't invite her. I simply sent the text and then likely ran out the door to a lunch meeting. The reality is realizing that you forgot to take treats to your kid's preschool class for her birthday. The reality is, your first-grader is disappointed that you can't chaperone her field trip to see Alice in Wonderland that week. The reality is, you daily have to choose between taking care of yourself and getting a workout in (which lord knows you need being 30 pounds overweight) - or seeing your kids for 2 hours before they go to bed instead of 3. The reality is your brain is constantly pulled in a thousand different directions. From Millie's sassy back-talking and Tilda not sleeping through the night, to submitting a $500k grant proposal. From working on your struggling marriage to inviting potential donors to a benefit. It's sending emails to board members and then stressing out about whether or not you should sign Millie up for horseback riding and Tilda for swimming lessons. And that hedge in the backyard? It needs to be trimmed - so I need to find time to get bids for someone to come trim it. It's then switching to putting together an agenda for my capital campaign committee.

This is my reality. It's ugly, it's overwhelming and I feel like I am half-assing everything in my life. And I try, I try so hard to create systems and processes to make my life run smoothly. I meal plan and shop on the weekends. I keep work to-do lists, home to-do lists, shopping lists, etc. I try and keep up with the laundry. I try to sort through the girl's backpacks and make sure we do some homework. I try to find fun activities to do on the weekends but lately I just need to stay home to get caught up. Each week feels like a marathon and then I have the weekends, not to rest, but to plan for the next marathon of a week. By Wednesday I'm exhausted. I get home from work, don't follow the meal plans because I just don't. want. to. cook. again. I throw the kids some scrambled eggs and drink some wine. The house is a mess again. I don't sleep and I just try and keep my head above water.

I can hear everyone now - SIMPLIFY Becky! You don't need to have a clean house (even though the mess makes me feel 10xs more anxious when it's a messa). Maybe you should cut some things out like mentoring, bunco, and all the other things you do outside of work and home? Hire someone to clean your house! Hire someone to mow your lawn! You aren't that fat...give yourself some grace.

All very valid options. But that's not the way I think.

I think, maybe I need to just work harder. Watch less Netflix. Stay up late and wake up earlier. Workout before the kids get up in the morning. Practice mindfulness. Clean the house after the kids go to bed. Blog or start that podcast that you've been talking about for years!

I just don't know how. I don't know how to be a good mom and still keep our family running smoothly. I don't know how to be a successful fundraiser when I have to be home on-time each day in order to see my kids and not fail as a mom. I don't know how to be there for my grandma when I can't be there for myself. I realize I can't do it all, I just can't.

In the meantime, I'll just keep trying. Because my kids may not do fun Easter Crafts like I envisioned, but they are loved. I may not be the best fundraiser I can be right now, but I'm still going to work hard until I am. I may not be comfortable in a swimming suit - but I still plan on putting one on and jumping in that pool on Memorial weekend.

Sometimes I do think I am gracefully faking it. Now is not one of those times. Right now I'm more of the "holding on for dear life" kind of woman.