A Series of Phases

Last night, long after Millie had gone to sleep, I snuck back into her room.  I validated my interrupting her sleep with, "She sounded so restless on the monitor." or  "She is probably too hot with all of those blankets."  Truthfully I wanted her.  I wanted to stroke her cheek, smell her hair and feel the weight of her in my arms.  She rolled over, smiled at me and said, "Wanna rock-a-bye" in her sleepy husky voice.  I held her in my arms while she rested on my shoulder and my heart swelled with love.  I swear sometimes I can physically feel my heart increase in size when I look at my daughter.  And so I held her, and I sang "Baby Mine" softly while I tickled her back, kissed her temple and ran my fingers through her ringlets.  Finally, after a few minutes I  put her back in her bed and quietly left her room.  Satiated until morning when her enthusiasm and light would once again fill this house.

My baby isn't a baby anymore. My baby is a little girl.  She turned two yesterday and I suddenly felt myself mourning for my little baby.  I've never been the mom to really mourn her earlier stages because I feel like she just keeps getting better and better.  This morning after she drank some milk she quickly asked to play and asked me to go out of the room.  My presence is often a nuisance to her.  She self plays so well and clearly loves having some alone time.  Other times in the day however she will of course insist I play with her and will cling to my leg until I oblige.  So this morning I left her room and began my morning routine of coffee and dishes while she happily played.

Life is simply a series of phases.  We are leaving behind the baby phase and entering an entirely different phase of parenting.  No longer do I worry about how many times I'll be up in the middle of the night with her.  No longer do I have to sit near her while she plays, or follow her everywhere around the house as she creates one mess after another.  No longer do I need to pack a diaper bag of supplies when we leave the house.  No longer do I get to hold her while she peacefully sleeps in my arms.

In many ways life is more simple.  Yet in other ways we are entering a much more difficult phase.  A phase in which we set boundaries, teach lessons and try to divert tantrums. Also a phase in which we are mostly well-rested. A phase in which we craft, color, bake and explore.  A different phase but so far equally wonderful.

I hear over and over how quickly they grow up.  I hear how important it is to not wish for a new phase.  To enjoy the moment.  This is what I am working on.  The last two years have been simultaneously the longest and fastest of my life.  I can't believe she is already 2.  And yet it feels like she was born a whole lifetime ago, which I suppose she was.  Our lives have changed so drastically since Millie joined us.

I guess I understand why so many people choose to have more than one children.  We see out beautiful babies grow up and we feel the draw for those squishy, delicious infants.  We yearn for that sweet infant smell, the gurgles, the kicking feet and the first smiles.  We miss the simplicity of a baby.  Until we have another baby join our family I am going to focus on Millie and these precious few years where she is our only child.  Never again will she be our sole focus.  I must give her my all.

I choose to embrace this new phase. I welcome the power struggles and potty training with open arms.  Goodbye baby phase...for now.