Reflections on Turning 30

In just a few days I will be turning 30. 30!!!! I can't believe I am going to be that old. Not that I think 30 is old, per se, but I can't believe that Becky Avery Youkstetter will be 30 years old.

My little sister Aly just turned 15. She is 1/2 my age. It seems just like yesterday that I was 15, starting high school and already knowing that "I am going to marry Jason Rhead." That was half a lifetime ago and it blows my mind.

I have only a few more days of being 29. It's funny because my stepmom Terrie used to tell everyone that she was 29 when people asked her how old she was. I used to laugh at this as a little girl and would think, "Why would you tell people you are 29? That is SO OLD!" Being a kid was just so much fun.

Now here I am on the cusp of 30 and I feel, well, odd. And truthfully a bit scared.

I've been thinking a lot about my life in anticipation of this rather "large" birthday. I reflect on how much I have changed the last 10 years of my life.

The 20-year-old me would never believe that in 10 years I would be divorced and remarried, no longer a practicing member of the LDS church, would have no children and have a thriving non-profit career. The 20-year-old me would be shocked to hear that I am no longer a conservative but a raging Liberal!

I fully expected to be married to Jason, with at least 3 kids by now. I expected to not be working but being a stay at home mom instead. I thought I would still be active in the church and maybe serving in young womens.

My goodness how times have changed.

I never could have imagined that I would be where I am today. I still can't believe I am here.

My life consists of a loving and nurturing relationship with my sweet husband Seth. While things with us are far from perfect I feel so lucky to be with him. He's my best friend and the reason I look forward to going home at night. I can go home each night, eat dinner, watch "Dexter" and fall asleep next to Seth and be completely happy.

My life consists of my wonderful career. Each morning I wake up happy and excited to work. I wake up earlier than I need to. I get ready, make my coffee (another shock to my 20-year-old self) make my way happily to the office. While at work I am mentally challenged and fulfilled. I laugh, discuss current events and work with a phenominal team.

My life consists of my family. These last 10 years I have added the Youkstetters to my family and I realize every day how lucky I am to be a part of them. I feel just as much at home with them as I do with my own family.

My relationship with my family has also deepened. The support I received from them through the last 10 years of transition has been immeasurable. We aren't perfect but we are honest with each other and I am so grateful for that.

My life consists of my friends. Friends that I can call up to grab some delicious food. Friends that I can gather on Monday night's to watch terrible reality TV. Friends that I can still convince to take days off work to go to Disneyland. Friends that I know I can be completely honest with about my dreams and fears. I am so lucky to have so many I am close to.

Who I am has changed dramatically the last 10 years. I'm no longer a meager 118 pounds. I have to watch what I eat, I have to exercise to stay thin. I STILL have issues with acne! Seriously, I used to dream of turning 30 so that I wouldn't have to think about zits anymore.

I still worry what people think of me at times and I think constantly about being rejected. Deep down all I really want is to be loved unconditionally and accepted for who I am.

I guess some things never change.

For my birthday Seth wants to take me to Cedar Pointe. It's an amusement park in Ohio with some of the best roller coasters in the country. Sadly it isn't open in February so hopefully we can make our way there in the Spring.

One of Seth's favorite artists is David Wilcox. He sings a song about turning 30... see below.

Say good-bye to your twenties
Tomorrow is the "Big 3-0"
For my birthday present
I've got a place where we can go
It's a lesson in motion
To ride the wildest ride
We're gonna climb to the top of the roller coaster
And look down the other side

So let me ride in the front car
And you ride right behind
And I'll click my snapshot camera
At exactly the right time
Shoot back over my shoulder
Catch the fear no one can hide
When we tip the top of the roller coaster
And look down the other side
Over the hill

So when the prints come back
We can look at that unmistakable birthday fear
Like your younger days are over now
And its all down hill from here

I'm not sure if it's all downhill from here. I suppose in a lot of ways it is. I feel more confident in who I am. I no longer have guilt or fear associated with no longer being active in the church. I feel intelligent and informed. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I don't have to worry about choosing a career, going to school, dating and settling down with someone. Those decisions are done. I know who I am and what I want to do. In that regard it is downhill from here.

It's hard to know what the next ten years will bring. Hopefully a family of my own. Hopefully continued satisfaction in my relationships and my line of work. Hopefully more confidence in me. Hopefully fulfillment and happiness.

Here's hoping.