A Sickly Tale

New parents.  I feel like none of us really know what we are doing.  We fuss and stew about all of the decisions we make for our child.  Cloth diapers?  Formula? Breast milk? Daycare? Co-sleeping?  Sleep training? Sugar? Every decision seems to be researched, analyzed, judged and worried about.  Are the steps we are taking now going to help us raise successful and happy adults? If I let my child watch more than 30 minutes of TV a day will that mean they become lazy adults?  Or adults with ADD?  If I take my child to daycare will they have abandonment issues?  It's actually quite terrifying realizing how we are shaping our children.  I often feel so powerless.  No matter how many times I tell her, I can't convince Millie to stop saying, "No Tanner, you go away!" (just fill in the name with whoever she is irritated with at the time).  Seth and I have talked to her since she was tiny about being kind, and yet here she is - a sometimes bratty little two-year-old.  How much can we really control?

Never do I feel more out of control and question my decision than when I have a sick child.  The last two weeks have been hell.  They started simply enough, a low-grade fever.  I didn't think much of it.  Bothered me a bit but she seemed fine.  Then it dawned on me "Oh! She's teething.  She's getting her 2-year-old molars! That's it!  That's why she has a fever!" And I stopped worrying.  Fast forward a week.  Her fevers start reaching levels way beyond a teething fever.  Hmmmm.  Maybe it's just a virus?  She doesn't seem sick.  Sure she doesn't want to eat but who does when you have a fever? She'll be fine.  It'll pass.  Fast forward a day.  Fever spikes to 104.5.  My nonchalance disappears and instantly I'm in panic mode. The high fever lasts for 5 days.  It lasts through a visit to a Saturday clinic, a call to the on-call doctor, a visit to her pediatrician and finally a trip to Primary Children's.  No diagnosis, a diagnosis but the wrong treatment, and finally an additional diagnosis and the right medication.  She's finally improving.  Finally.  

Nothing scares me more in sickness than a high-fever.  Four nights in a row of 104.5 + scared me to death. Millie was delirious.  She was jabbering.  At one point I asked her if she knew where she was (we were in my bed) and she exclaimed, "I'm in the heat!"  The 1-2 hours it took for the fever to reduce were scary.  I would rather have a night filled with throwing up than a night with that fever.  It's terrifying.  And even more terrifying when your chid has no other symptoms. I asked her over and over if her throat/stomach/bum/vagina hurt. I asked if it hurt when she went pee.  Answers were always different.  I didn't know what to do.  And I felt like I was doing my due-diligence as a mom by consulting 3 different doctors.  Sadly I felt like I was still failing her.  I should have taken her in earlier. I shouldn't have waited so long.  I somehow should have been more persistent.  

Yes, this is how I look when holding a baby with a 104+ degree temp.  

The problem is we just don't know what we are doing.  We don't know how to figure out why our 2-year-old is hurting.  They aren't old enough to explain what's bothering them.  We just have to follow our intuition as parents.  She did get two teeth last week! I was at least right on something. 

I was telling Seth last night that having a sick kid is the hardest thing in the world.  It really is.  You want so much to make them feel better.  You want to take their pain away and take it on yourself.  They don't sleep.  You don't sleep.  You somehow make it through the day by telling yourself "last night was the worst, it can't possibly be worse than last night."  Because you have to tell yourself that.  You have to hope that things will get better.  Sometimes they do, other times it takes nearly 2 weeks to get it right.  

Nothing makes you yearn for the mundane, every day life of rushed mornings, work, daycare, home, dinner, bath, etc. than two weeks of sickness. I can't wait for that mundane life. I can't wait to go back to work. I can't wait to run myself ragged.  Because at least she is healthy and happy and her sassy self. Because at least I get out of my house and get to be in the land of adults for a bit.  

So tonight I will enjoy my glass of wine. I will try and read my book and I will assume that tonight will be better. Because it usually is. If you are lucky.