I Stink at the Whole "Resolutions" Thing

New Years is once again upon us. I was just sitting on my couch, back in my house that I love, while the snow storm of the year raged outside and thought, "Man I wonder what resolutions I made last year - and I wonder if I did any of them?"

Lets check shall we - take a trip back with me to my blog last year.

In 2010 I Resolve...

I present to you my list for 2010. I may have kept some of these out - but you get the idea.

1. Complete a Triathlon! Dude, I can totally do this. I can run (maybe not well but I can run - I have done a marathon afterall). I can bike (new favorite thing) but I can't swim all that well. Luckily I have an awesome swimmer for a husband. Seth will totally help me out so I don't feel like I am going to die. This will be fun to train for. I know that biking totally helps my running. I am going to be a "Hot, fit wife". In fact, I think I'll look at lot like this girl, don't you?

Update: Well I didn't do a triathlon. I ran a lot. I biked some but not as much as last year. In my defense I did try to find one that I could train for and one that would fit in my schedule. I failed. However I did sign up for one in May of 2011. It's small but it's a good start.

Also I clearly look NOTHING like this woman. In fact, I just got chubby this year. Way to go Becky! Way to not only miss this resolution - but WAY to gain weight and feel fatter than you ever have. You are awesome. You can thank Weight Watchers later.

2. Yoga Weekly - I started going to yoga once or twice a week back in 2007 and I have loved it. Lately I have slacked and I have started to feel it. My headaches are back. My stiff neck is around...I am short of breath. You get the idea. So - back to weekly yoga. Check! I can do that. If only I could do awesome poses like this...

Sigh, maybe someday.

Update: Oh brother. Fail again. In my defense again though, you all saw my various "yoga blogs". I couldn't ever find a yoga class in Boise that I liked. I even tried doing them on tape but it just wasn't the same. Thankfully I am back in the swing of things in Utah. It is so nice to be back to Micah's brilliantly hard but fulfilling class again.

3. Run a 1/2 marathon - I have decided that a 1/2 marathon is the perfect amount of training for a runner. An actual marathon is too hard on the body. My knees went to shit when I ran the marathon. But - a half marathon is doable. 13.1 miles - no worries. Last time I was training I got pneumonia and obviously had to stop running. Seth ran the 1/2 and I cried watching the runners cross the finish line. It's time to get back on the bandwagon. So this year I am going to do another 1/2 marathon. If I can get up to 7 miles training I know I'll make it. I am running about 4 miles right now. This I can do. Signing up for races helps keep me motivated.

Even though I look like this after I am done -

And Meili looks like this when she finishes -

Ha ha ha! Sorry Meili I had to do it. It IS totally worth it though. That's why I have a love/hate relationship with running.

Update: Nope. Scratch this off my list. Here's the thing. I run in the fall and the spring. i don't run in the heat of summer. I don't run in the winter much. And I refuse to train for a long distance run on a treadmill. Also, working for the MS Society I had a walk event on all of the weekends of the good Boise or SLC half marathons.

I know excuses excuses! I did run the Sawtooth Relay though and ran 13 miles in that relay. Does that count? Look at me go!

4. Eat More Whole Foods - In case you don't know this about me - I love food. Yes I do. However the last few months I have eaten way too much processed food. I miss fresh food! I hate how I feel after I eat a large fattening meal. So this year I am going to eat more whole foods. I realize this will be expensive and will mean shopping at places like "Whole Foods" (imagine that!?). Seth & I have agreed to stay away from food with partially hydrogenated oils or high fructose corn syrup. This is more difficult right now because we don't really buy the groceries. But when we live on our own this will be a shopping rule. This is not going to be easy. Some of my favorite things have both of these ingredients. But - gotta do what I gotta do.

Update: I am going to give myself props for this one. I think I did much better. I ate a ton of fruit and veggies. I learned to love some new veggies this year (well hello kale it is SO nice to meet you!). Now that I am on Weight Watchers and fruits and veggies are free, I feel like I am doing even better. I didn't check all of my labels for hydrogenated oils or corn syrup that regularly. I mean I do add Coffeemate creamer to my coffee every day and Lord knows it probably contains both.

I may add this for next year's resolution.

5. Watch Gossip - moving on from the "health portion" of my resolutions. I need to watch my gossip. Especially at work. It is easy to start complaining. It is easy to nitpick. I don't like when I get sucked into it. I don't like wondering and knowing that people are gossiping about me. So I am going to really try and watch this. Enough said. I'll be happier. I know I will.

Update: BECKY WINS! Becky is the best at New Year's Resolutions! She totally did this!

Ok really I didn't have a full-time coworker for about 9 months this year. I shouldn't give myself as much credit. You all heard me complain about my job so I wasn't perfect but gotta give myself credit. I really do!

6. Be More Giving - I am so lucky. I have a wonderful husband. I have a beautiful home, more clothes than I will ever need, and so much food that I complain about being fat. Wow. Sometimes I just need keep some perspective. I want to focus on giving year round - not just during the holidays. I want to give money to homeless people on the street without passing judgement. I want to give my time to those that need it. I want to be giving to my friends. Seth and I will be in a good position soon and there is no reason we shouldn't give more of ourselves. Now this resolution is harder to quantify, but I think it's important that it is there.

Update: I feel pretty good about this one actually. I feel like I can always do more. And I should. Seth and I did alot more than we ever have. We were just talking the other night about giving 10% of our monthly income to charity this year. We'll see if we can actually pull it off.

7. Visit a foreign country - This is actually a life goal. I want to visit a foreign country every year of my life. It doesn't need to be Europe or Asia. It can be somewhere in Canada. I just want to see the world. In my "pefect life" I would go to Prague this year. Oh man look at it!! I am dying to go here. Seth...you in!?

Update: This is heartbreaking to me. I think of all the resolutions I am most sad that we didn't make this happen. I was so wrapped up in Bike MS and Walk MS that I didn't feel I could take vacation time until October. Then I was looking for work in Utah. Then we both got new jobs and had no vacation time. If we would have gone, it would have been in November. The timing just didn't work out. This was one of the main reasons we moved to Boise - to travel. We didn't travel anywhere foreign. Well unless you count the Comic Book Convention. That shiz was crazy!

8. Be more confident in "me" - I struggle with this. I want to be confident. I honestly feel like most of the time I am pretty confident. But I need to be comfortable with ME and not the "me with these resolutions". I am never going to be that stick skinny girl...I will always have more curves and muscles. And that's ok. That is still sexy - I need to believe this. I am quirky. I am opinionated. I am anxious and I have my OCD. But all of these things make me...ME. I am not sure how to accomplish this but I am going to work on being more comfortable in my own skin. Even it means I make faces like this.

Update: I'm not sure how I did with this. The last year was very hard. I left all the family and friends that had their idea of who "becky" is and entered a city that didn't know me. I could be whoever I wanted to be. It was liberating. At the same time though I found myself to be more self conscious and more depressed than I have in years. I desperately wanted to find friends and a community in Boise. It didn't happen until a few months before we left. I was nervous working alone. I was a nervous newly wed. I wanted to make Seth happy and heard many times about what I did (or was doing) that didn't always make him happy. I gained weight, etc. And yet I somehow feel that I am more comfortable with myself now than I was last year at this time. I suppose there is something to be said about "going through the fire and coming out polished" or whatever the hell that saying is. I discovered that I am a damn good employee. I discovered that I can in fact bake (and cook too!). I discovered that I can keep a fairly positive attitude in spite of the hard times I am going through. I discovered a bit more about who I am.

I am glad 2010 is over. I failed miserably at my resolutions. Disturbingly so. I do feel like I am at a better place. I am at a much better place in my career. A much better place emotional and physically. Here's to a more successful 2011. Cheers!

A Love Letter

In an attempt to be a bit more intimate with my blog - I want to type a journal entry that I wrote a week ago. It's a love letter of sorts for Boise.

One week into my return home and I am suddenly filled with so much sadness. Why leave Boise? As I flip through my phone I see so many pictures of great memories of the last year. It makes me sad. It makes me feel like a failure. Why couldn't I be fully happy there? I love the people. I sit at the airport gate and feel more at ease with these Boise residents than I do with the people I have been surrounded by my whole life. Even things that made me roll my eyes before (the man sitting next to me in his BSU blues and oranges) brings a sentimental smile to my face. They are truly genuine and kind people. I know Seth is at home feeling dread at the prospect of leaving - and now that dread has settled into me. What are we doing?

The last few months in Boise were amazing. Autumn leaves scattered inches deep across our neighborhood streets. The world came alive in a city that doesn't always show off it's amazing colors.

We filled our time with Ashtin's family. How sad I am to be leaving them. During my 11 months with them I learned that I don't need fancy parties, flashy friends, or fabulous activities. I just needed them, and a pumpkin patch, or an oven for baking, or paper and markers to create something wonderful.

I needed first steps, first words, music to dance to and games of Candyland. They became home to us in Boise. Ashtin I love you. I am so happy that after nearly 10 years of living in separate states, that we had a chance to be together. Thank you for making a really difficult situation at times really wonderful. Thank you for the visits at work. Thank you for the invites to dinner.

Thank you for the daily calls and for the much needed girl's nights. I am so in love with your precious girls and your darling husband. I already miss you guys more than I can say.

I also will miss Katie terribly. Katie was the first real friend I met in Boise. She not only made my work so much more enjoyable (what with our weekly trips to Costa Vida, drooling over cyclists, singing, etc) but she made me feel like I had a place in Boise. I loved our Bachelorette nights - or our Harry Potter movie nights. Katie is a great friend and it never mattered that she was 8 years younger than me. She was a loyal friend to me. I'll miss her but hopefully can convince her to move to Salt Lake some day!

To me, Boise has a sweet sense of community that I am not sure I have here in Utah. This doesn't mean I can't find it eventually but there is a strong community there. One that I hope to return to someday when my kids are grown. To me Boise is walking through Hyde Park to pick up some of our favorite black licorice in Hyde Park.

It's feeling the comradery with the early morning runners at Camel's Back Park. One of my favorite memories of my time in Boise were those early morning runs on beautiful spring mornings practically in my back yard.

It's the simple, but real conversations that I had nearly every day with the cashier at Albertsons, or the lady at the dry cleaner, or the employees at the YMCA that I will miss.

I will also miss the charming farmer's market downtown and the homemade doughnuts, rootbeer, and danish cookies.

I'll miss that Seth & I could be downtown in 5 minutes - 10 if we rode our bikes.

I'll miss the quirky shops. I'll miss summer night's on 8th street and all the people dining outside.

I'll miss our favorite restaurant. I'll miss having a glass of wine at dinner and not worrying whether the people at the next people are judging me because I am drinking

I'll miss the coffee shops - which seem to be on every corner but are equally charming, comfortable and delicious.

I'll miss Halloween in Boise and how much the people there "overdo" it.

I'll miss summer in Boise. I'll miss floating the river on a hot day.

I'll miss riding my bike along the Green Belt to Lucky Peak.

I'll miss the Hyde Park Street Fair.

I'll miss the clean air and the less complicated traffic congestion. The list could go on and on.

To Seth and I Boise was our city, our adventure. It was our challenge. At times we had each other and no one else. We had a beautiful home (even though we only lived in 1/3 of it). It was our chance to build a home and a life together. And we did.

Yet as much as we loved Boise we felt like we were called home In order for the two of us to be happy we needed to both be fully happy. We both need fulfilling jobs. We missed our family and friends. We missed the mountains. And as hard as it was to leave last weekend we feel we are making the right decision for us. We both cried and cried as we drove away. It's funny how just when you make a decision on a big change life makes you question. We love Boise and we do hope to be back there someday. Perhaps to raise our children when they get older so that they will have the chance to love it like we did.

Last Night In Boise

Tonight is my official last night in Boise. I have such mixed feelings. Part of me feels butterflies in anticipation of Thanksgiving, new jobs, new adventures, and old friends. Part of me feels sad to be leaving our life here. I have found it hard to admit to myself how much I am going to miss this place. But I am. There, I said it.

I have enjoyed 2 full days off while I relax and enjoy some time between jobs. I baked Rolo Cookies yesterday - heavenly. I attempted to make my first batch of homemade dinner rolls and failed miserably. I went to the gym, I shopped, I ran errands, I did laundry, etc. In short I get what it is like to be a stay at home type of person.

Seth is working late tonight. Rather than doing what I should be doing - mainly packing this adorable house... I just can't bring myself to do it. Tonight is not the night. It is Glee night afterall.

Plus who knows - if everything is true about Utah blizzard we may not be able to leave tomorrow anyway. Thank you Facebook Friends for your gazillion updates about the weather!

I decided tonight in honor of the cold weather and "stormy Utah" (it's not stormy here but due to Facebook and all the chatter about it - I feel like it is happening to me as well) I decided to try homemade rolls again - and make one of my favorite meals, tortellini soup.

Tortellini soup is a family tradition. Grandpa Disera would make this soup every Christmas Eve. My heart still hurts when I realize that he won't be in the kitchen this Christmas Eve. My how I still miss him. While I am excited to eat it tonight there is a part of me that feels like the timing is wrong. Tortellini soup was a once in a year type of meal. I am doing it anyway.

The weird thing is that I am making it according to the Ivory Family "Favorites" cook book. Which, if you don't have, is the single greatest cook book I have ever owned. Make-A-Wish sells it and the thing just flies off the shelves. It's a bit crazy really - but I see why. Every recipe is delightful.

It was with shock and a bit of shame that I realized that I had my grandpa's recipe sitting in the kitchen as well (of course after the soup was simmering).

Luckily I compared the two recipes and noticed that the ONLY difference is that the Ivory recipe calls for a 1/2 cup of white wine (yum!) and grandpa's calls for 1/2 cup of red wine (doh!)

Thank goodness I have a bottle of red wine in the house. Now I can enjoy it true grandpa style. He'll forgive me. I actually spoke outloud while baking and said, "Beetle I should have used your recipe! What was I thinking - I am so sorry!"

While waiting for the soup to simmer I enjoyed some Pandora radio on my TV. When "Brown Eyed Girl" came on I danced, and then lied down by my TV to listen. It's just too good to not fully allow yourself to enjoy the song.

Even Tube Bunny got his groove on! Silly Tube Bunny likes to always be part of the action.

He was even waiting patiently while the rolls rose. .

Which didn't happen all that well but still much better than yesterday's failure.

When I took them out of the oven they looked pretty great. I am a bit proud of myself. Maybe I will become the amazing baker that I hope to be!

Bon Appetite everyone! I'll see you soon!

Man Seth doesn't know what he is missing! Freshly baked rolls, Tube Bunny Dancing and awesome me!

My Only C+

I was always a model student. I did my homework, I participated in class, I did well on tests. Well, except for Chemistry but who counts that wretched class? In fact, while talking to Sarah Timms the other day I was surprised to hear that she didn't care about school until college. She says she didn't worry about homework. Not me. I was a good student. I may not have taken AP classes but I always did my homework. I learned quickly that I was able to speed read. I am a fast writer. I struggled through math and science but still managed to pull of As and Bs. In fact, I never received anything lower than a B- for 14 years.

My junior year of college changed this. I decided to take an elective course called "Stress Management." You all know me. You know I can be a total stress ball. I thought to myself "Oh this class is perfect! I'll learn how to manage my stress! I will emerge a zen like person full of confidence and peace."

In the class I remember learning how to rid stress through exercise (duh) - and art (have you seen my animal drawings - mental note to self - future blog subject) - and sleep (easy for me!). The class wasn't anything special. Yet we did have tests.

I know right? A test in stress management? Weird.

During my junior year I was a newly wed. I was working for The Christmas Box House and I was going to school. I was a busy 21 year old. It was finals time during fall semester. Because of my job this also meant it was Christmas Store time. The Christmas Store was an event/project I was in charge of. It was basically a store for foster kids. I arranged donations from tons of community members and opened 1-2 week "store" for foster kids to come shop. It was exhausting. Yet I loved it. But of course, it was stressful!

I decided to be a rebel and not bother studying for my stress management final. "How hard can this test be?" I reasoned. I decided to skip the pre-test class and get some much needed rest. I showed up to the class, took the test and walked away. I figured it wouldn't matter if I didn't do well. I would get a B. No biggie.

When the professor gave me my test back the following week - I failed it. This led to me getting my first and only C+ in the history of my education. I was able to ace constitutional law during my master's degree but didn't get an A or B in stress management. My teacher handed me the test, looked at me and said, "You know, I think that not studying for this test was the best thing you could do to manage your stress." She laughed and walked away. Apparently I did learn something in this class! C+ what a lesson you were!

Normally I don't handle stress well. In fact, yoga is the only thing that has really helped my stress on a large scale. Naps seem to help, and food. Tonight I was feeling completely overwhelmed and rather than working out I came home, read my book, took a 20 minute nap and felt better. Now I am drinking hot chocolate and blogging. Writing helps. It really does.

The following things are causing me a large amount of stress. I think if you look up the top 10 stress causing life events that I have a few in my life at this time.

1. The end of my job. I have 2 days left with the MS Society. While I am thrilled and excited to be done with my job with it comes a lot of stress. I am trying to wrap everything up so that I can leave with a clean slate. I am leaving things so organized. I am handing them my job in perfect binders with tons of explanations. And yet, I still feel guilt. I'll miss some of these people. A lot. And while this job has been a challenge from day 1 I have grown so much. And learned so much. I don't regret it.

2. Moving. I hate moving. Not only are we moving but Seth and I are moving at different times. Actually because Seth's start date it still in the air (mid December or end of January!?) we don't know WHEN we are moving. Can we move right into our house? Probably not. Chances are I will be moving into my house about 5 days before Christmas. When are we going to have time to put up a Christmas tree!? Do I need a storage unit? When am I going to pack the house? Can I hire movers? What do I need to do to cancel utilities? I have to change my address - again. Moving sucks.

3. New job. While I am excited as can be about my new job I am suddenly VERY nervous. I've never really done major gifts before (other than sponsorships). What if I am terrible at it? What if I can't relate to donors? What if they regret hiring me? All of these emotions are just billowing up inside of me and causing me to doubt my abilities. Instead of focusing on self doubt I like to try rather to focus on what cool people I'll hopefully meet while working with KUER. Ira Glass anyone?

4. Seth's job. I've already complained about us not knowing when Seth will be starting his job. I am very nervous about his job in Utah once he is working. He'll be working 7 days on (10 hour days) and 7 days off. Those "on weeks" may prove to be really tough on our relationship. I hope not. I know he will thrive. It still makes me nervous.

5. Feelings of doubt. It's interesting how life works sometimes. Once we decided to leave Boise and move home it seems like everything in Boise seemed to fall into place. I am so in love with Boise right now. I blame the fall. Fall here has been spectacular. We have had so much fun the last month. We feel like we have a good set of friends here now. We love our house. We love the people here and the city. Why is it that once you decide to take yet another leap of faith that life throws doubt in your face? Look Boise back off! We are moving home! Quit being so awesome.

Well there is my rant. I will now stop my blogging and can check "write a blog" off my ever growing "to do" list. I will try to not let my mind wander into depths of all the work that lies ahead of me tomorrow and will focus instead on the highlights of tomorrow: Dinner with Erin & Michael - and a midnight showing of Harry Potter. I may pee my pants.

Seth is out with the guys and so it's my "dinner of champions" tonight. Pasta with mushrooms, edimame and a diet coke. All while watching America's Next Top Model. Now that's what I call stress management. A+ to me.