Tonight I was snuggling up with with little girls. In the storm of 2020, it was a moment of respite. The weight of their bodies, the smell of their heads, and their little hands grasping mine calmed my soul. For just 15 minutes of this chaotic day filled with fires, destruction from hurricane level winds, chaotic work and cancelled school, the all-consuming sense of doom just melted away.
"Fifteen more minutes my loves," I reminded them as we watched some cartoon series on Netflix. I admit I wasn't paying much attention to the plot of the show. I opened my dozing eyes momentarily to see what was happening. Suddenly I was aware that the character in the show (a ninja?) was saying "I am going to go on a diet." The plot, to my horror, was all about this ninja eating too much pudding at a restaurant and how he was now fat. He was out of breath when he exercised and so he had to go on a diet. "I should eat this yummy dessert because tomorrow I have to go on my diet so I'm not fat!"
Oh fuck, no.
I promptly turned off the show (much to the distress of my darling daughters) and said, "Girls, we don't need to watch this. The shape of your body doesn't matter. I will love you no matter what. The way you look doesn't matter. Who you are as a person is all that really matters."
After the girls were tucked into bed, my husband and I got into an argument. He felt like I overreacted. He doesn't see "diet" as a negative thing, but as a way to be healthy. Luckily for him, he was raised in a family with a more healthy mindset. I told him I understood what he way saying, but I was going to be fiercely protective of my daughters so that they wouldn't grow up with the same bullshit self-esteem issues that I grew up with.
One of the things that plagues me as a woman is feeling, in the depth of my soul, that my worth is based on the shape of my body. I was raised to believe that being skinny was the idea and women were more valuable the more beautiful and skinny they were. I remember my father telling me as a sophomore in high school, "All the other girls wear more makeup than you. You should put more makeup on so the boys will notice you more." I have memories of a father and brother watching, with binoculars, the U of U cheerleaders as they did their pushups after a touchdown. Making snide comments under their breath to each other. I've heard my mother recently talk about an old friend and say, "She was beautiful but her sister was sure a dog!" Even now, as a grown woman talking politics with my father about potential VP picks and I mention a qualified woman he said, "Well she's good, but you know, she's just not that pretty." I have reached the point in my life (only took 39 years) that I call my parents out on these comments. I do understand that they are products of how they were raised as well. My mother grew up the same way. Being told by her dad that she looked "just like her mother when she bent over." I heard my entire life from her (still do) that she felt like an ugly fat-ass. My mother, the stunningly beautiful and strongwoman, felt like she was worth less because of the size of her pants. My father was raised by a full-blown womanizer. Perhaps neither of them stood a chance.
I have a new therapist and together we have been exploring my childhood. One topic of many has been my self-confidence issues. The sessions are not easy. They are painful and they are work. But I am willing to do the hard work for not only me, but for my girls. The change is incremental at this point but it's a start.
How many times, as women, do we gather as a group of friends or family, do we talk about our bodies. What we can/can't eat. How "I'm going to be bad tonight" by eating a carbohydrate rich meal? How often do we hear "I have been 'good' all day so I can eat whatever I want!"? How many of our conversations are about our workout routines, the number on the scale, or how well our pants fit? If your family and friends are like mine, it is constant. I am at the point in my life where I just walk away when those discussions begin. And I am done. D O N E. We have more important things to talk about. It is awkward to stand up from a group conversation but for my sanity, I've been doing it.
This kind of thinking is a fucking disease and I will have NO MORE of it. This may be something that has ruined much of my life, and my self-worth, but it WILL NOT be the plague of my daughters. I will always encourage them to make healthy choices but not because they have to look a certain way, but because I want them to be healthy. Period. Full stop.
Today I had Chik-Fil-A for lunch. I didn't eat dinner. I have felt guilty all day because of it. All day. No really, I didn't allow myself to eat after noon because I told myself over and over "you have no self-control. You will NEVER lose weight if you can't pull it together!" I admit, I'm currently the heaviest I have ever been. I don't feel great in my skin. I don't feel healthy. But I am taking baby steps to course-correct a little at a time. I have felt real shame and fear seeing friends that haven't been in my "pandemic circle" the last few months. I have believed that I would be judged or talked about because I have more pounds on my body. That men would say "wow, she used to be pretty but look at her now!" or women would say, "wow, Becky sure has gotten fat!" For the first time in my life, I have actually considered not showing up to social gatherings because I was ashamed of my body. Me, the extrovert of all extroverts, who misses people more than anything this horrendous year, thought about sitting socially distanced barbecues because I'm 10 pounds more than the last time people saw me. Yet, I would NEVER judge or look down on a girlfriend based on the size and shape of her body. So why do I do it to myself? Oh right.... it was the way I was raised. It is so ingrained in me that I don't know how not to at this point. I
I have had to remind my husband that, while he may have the best intentions, and think he understand what it feels like to be a girl, he never will. He just won't. Men do not live by the same beauty standards as women. Dad-bod is seen as a "cute" thing. Within weeks of having babies women are pressured to get their "pre-baby figures" back. This will not change until more women stand up and say, "ENOUGH."
I will not stop fighting this. I will continue going to therapy. I will read article about body acceptance. I will follow body-positive social media accounts. I will meditate and write and do what I can to shift my perception. I will work my ass off to ensure that my little girls will grow up confident in their skin, no matter their shape, size, and stye. All that really matters is that my girls grow up to be kind, accepting, open-minded and fighters for the oppressed.
We all must do better. Women, we can't expect men to look at us differently if we as women can't. We have an entire generation of kids that deserve better than our generation, and all those before us have had. I'll continue to speak up, loudly and obnoxiously. I will call people out. I will call myself out. Because this work isn't easy, but I believe it can be changed.
