I went to my 20-year high school reunion this past weekend. I always assumed I would be excited and eager to go, until reality hit. I am no where near the person that I was when I was 18. In most ways I am grateful for that. Who wouldn't be? I mean other than the number on the scale and the youthful skin, obviously. I was young and clueless. Now I am "wise" and "successful." I should walk into this reunion with my head held high. "This isn't the Becky Avery you remember. This is Becky Youkstetter and I am proud of who I am!"
As the date crept closer and I started taking a lot of strolls down memory lane, I realized that no longer being that 18-year-old version of myself was not necessarily a good thing. Looking back I realized something, that Becky was sweet and really made an effort to be good and kind to everyone. I was as Mormon as they came and prided myself on being a good example to others. I was focused and dedicated to my religion, my school work, my family and my hobbies. I was a really good teenager. Something I hope pays off karmically with my current 7 going on 17-year-old. I genuinely feel like I was an overall good human back then.
Now? Well now this Becky is jaded. She's been divorced and struggles nearly every day to keep her marriage of 10-years alive. She not only isn't religious, she no longer believes in a god. She rarely takes any real time for self-reflection or steps to improve herself. She's horribly out-of-shape and 20 pounds overweight. She drinks way too often. And sometimes goes to parties and drinks way too much. She's set in her ways. She's impatient and she is stubborn. She complains about being a mom and often refers to her children as assholes. Oh - and she talks like a sailor. She can't keep up with her life. She neglects the people that matter most (like her 90-year-old grandma) because she feels like she doesn't have the time. She needs constant approval and acknowledgment from others because her self-esteem is so low. This Becky... right now... she's a hot mess.
I went to the reunion anyway. I pulled up my spanx and hoped that people wouldn't whisper behind my back about "how much weight Becky gained." I felt anxious but walked into the country club with my head held high and my gorgeous best friend in tow. And you know, it wasn't that bad. It was great, in fact. I spent time talking to people that I barely knew in high school. The cool kids, the jocks and the cheerleaders. Turns out I really enjoyed getting to know them and think that I may have found some new friends. I hung out with some of the best people I know and rekindled friendships that have long been overdue. I had a really wonderful time.
The next day I heard something that shook me to my core. Someone didn't go to the reunion because I was going to be there. That I was absolute trash of a person, who was awful on Facebook and even worse in person. This person (not sure who it is) is so disgusted by me that they couldn't even come to a place where there were over 100 other people. I am that bad.
I'm still shaken and have really been focused on who I am now. I have thought back to the reunion and I have found myself wondering how I was perceived at the event. I was so focused on feeling like I belonged that I drank way too much. I apologized over and over to people about how "righteous" and "annoying" I was in high school. I was rude and loud and tried to portray a confident woman and I think I made an ass out of myself.
My dear, kind and sober girlfriends drove me to the afterparty. I laughed when they asked if I was going to be ok inside the bar. Part of me was likely priding myself on how much I knew about alcohol and how clueless they were. Now I just feel like an ass. They have been there for 22-years in my life and now I'm embarrassed to see them again.
I keep thinking to myself, "Don't let one person's opinion bother you. Don't let them shake you. You are a good person Becky." But I can't let this one go. I can't let it go because the hatred of me was so strong. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea - but I must not see myself clearly if someone considers me trash.
I feel like I have reached a crossroads. I can either wallow in self-pity (trust me, I am deep in that right now), drink heavily and think, "fuck that person!" Or I can work on myself. I can start doing things to help myself. For years I have wanted to do more for myself. I have wanted to write, do yoga, meditate, read inspiring books, visit my grandmother weekly but I never have made the time. My kids are entering an easier phase, I should be able to shift. I'm not always bone-tired when they are in bed anymore (still often though). I can cut out people and things in my life that no longer bring out the best in me. If I can improve ME I will improve all aspects of my life. My husband will like me more. I'll be a better mom. I'll be a better friend. I'll be a much better version of me. Because I need to. It's time.
I doubt the person that said those things will ever read or see this. To that person, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever I have done to cause you to feel so much hatred toward me. I know I'm not always a good person. I make mistakes. I do stupid things. So thank you pointing this out - for causing me to question who I am to my core and for pushing me in the right direction. I doubt you will ever care for me, but maybe your hatred will lessen to dislike instead. Maybe I'll see you at our 30-year reunion. Maybe I'll be tolerable by then.
