Today I feel crushed. I can't focus. I can't work. I can't cross even the easiest of tasks off my list. And the fact that I feel so incapacitated is just adding to my stress. My brain is just spinning. What is wrong with me? How come other moms seem to have it all together but I am barely hanging on for dear life?
I've been thinking a lot about the mental load. A load that, at least in my relationship, falls much more heavily on mom. It's the last week of school. Which apparently, since I am so new to the "kids in school" concept, is busy. Tonight we have another school activity. It starts at 5:30 and lasts until 7:30. Last night I mentioned to Seth, "Oh man, we have the dance thing tomorrow, ugh." He looked at me exasperatedly and said, "You need to stop complaining about the things you need to do as a mom. We have 12 more years of this. 12 more years of school activities. Get used to it."
This stung. It stung because I felt guilty. Guilty that I wasn't looking forward to seeing my kid dance. Guilty because I am seeing the night as more stress than fun. But it also stung because it is so much more than just showing up at an event. I get off work at 5. Traffic leaving the university can be gnarly, will I even make it on-time? And what about Millie? How am I going to get her there early? Will I remember to have our nanny change her into the green shirt she is supposed to wear? Oh shit, is that even clean? And what about dinner? When will we have dinner? Oh! Food trucks will be there. That's good. But my kids don't eat normal food. So it'll be a waste of money. Hum. Maybe I'll just bring snacks? Great! Another night of granola bars and cheeze-its. Matilda is sick. Is she going to be whiny and miserable at 5:30 like she has been the last 3 nights? How will I handle it if she is sick? Maybe I'll just stay home with her. I can miss one thing for Millie. Wait, remember how Millie said to me a few days ago, "Can't you just quit work? We miss you and we see way more of Rylee than we see of you!" Mom guilt. The greatest amount of mom guilt I have ever felt. Clearly I can't miss it. Ok, think Becky...how can you make this work? Millie can go early with Mira. I can run home and pick up Tilda, pack a few snacks and head to the school. I'll have to leave work early, which sucks, because I am snowed under, but OK. I will do it. We can eat a late dinner. And even if Tilda doesn't eat much, she'll drink milk and juice tonight and that'll fill her up.
Crap! We are out of juice. Matilda had a breakdown last night when you put her to bed because we are out of juice. Don't forget to stop and get juice. Also, don't forget it's Teacher Appreciation Week! You keep forgetting to send a gift with Millie. Apparently you were supposed to send flowers on Monday, a treat on Tuesday, etc. What in the world will I send? And do I send it for just her main teacher? Or should I include the academy teachers? Crap. I need to run and do that tonight after Seth gets home and the kids are in bed. Oh, he's going to a movie tonight. Ok! I'll find a time to do it today! Maybe after my lunch meeting?
This. This is my brain today. This is just a small fraction of what I am thinking and worrying about.
12 more years of school stuff. He's right. Buck up girl. Yet, he doesn't deal with even 1/4 of what I deal with. When Seth works, he just works. He can't leave for school programs. I'm lucky to have the flexibility with me job to be able to leave. I've volunteered a handful of times at her school. I've been a chaperone on field trips. I have bought and put together the Valentine's for her party. I brought the treats for her birthday to her class. I figured out the Halloween costume and was there taking pictures at the parade. I've signed the permission forms. I've taken her to assessment and been 2 hours late to work. I've rearranged the nanny's schedule when school is off unexpectedly. I get the emails from schools. I get calls when she is sick. I run to Costco and buy snacks when asked to pitch in.
The list goes on and on. This. This is the mental load. This is what I carry around. This is just one portion of the mental load of everyday life. I think that moms keep the list of things we can't forget to buy at the store. It's mom that remembers if there is a load of laundry waiting to be folded in the dryer. It's mom that notices how dirty that bathrooms are. It's mom that worries about getting both girls signed up for some fun summer classes. I'm the one that notices if Matilda doesn't have the right pair of summer shoes for her constant scooter riding. I'm the one that meal plans and does the majority of the cooking. It just never gets easier. Sometimes I'm at a phase in my life where I feel like I do have the ability to balance it all. But right now, I sure don't. I'm drowning. I'm not a very good mom, and I'm a super unfocused employee....when I can't afford to be and I'm a crap family member and spouse.
Can someone come and just scoop the overwhelming thoughts out of my brain? Cause I need to function. I need to pick up the pieces of my life and start getting shit done again
Gracefully faking it? Ha. Right.
