I just found out that my nanny is leaving. She came in this morning and seemed a bit out of sorts. She told me she had some news and it wasn't good news. Apparently her husband just got a paid internship in Vegas. It's a great opportunity for them and they feel like they need to take it. She cried when she gave me the news. She said how much she loves Millie and how much she loved working for us. She said we were a dream job for her.I told her I understood and that I was excited for her. The internship starts on August 6th which means I only have about 3 weeks to find someone new.
When she told me the news my stomach dropped. She has been so perfect for us. So perfect for Millie. I must have told seth 50 times in the last month how great she was. I looked forward to Tuesdays and Thursdays with her at the house. She was so great with the baby and I felt great knowing that she was there and that Millie was happy. She also helped out around the house. She would text me pictures and videos of the baby. She kept a journal that kept record of how much she ate, when and how long she napped, even the number of poopy diapers she had. When Millie started teething it was the nanny that told me some great tricks to help Millie. She's just been fantastic. And now she is leaving.
As a working mom feelings of guilt seem to be a part of my every day emotions. I love that our nanny would send me these videos of Millie...
And yet I can't help but feel guilty that I wasn't the one capturing these moments. I capture a lot of moments...
but obviously not all of them. Millie is the light of my life right now. I love my time with her. But I also love my time at work. Will I be a better mom to her in the long run if I am intellectually fulfilled at work? Or will working just take these precious moments away from me?
This is technically the second nanny Millie has had. Our dear friend Amy watched her for a couple of months but just had a baby of her own. We wished we could have kept her but alas, one infant is enough work. I never thought I would find someone that was as good with Millie as Amy was. And yet we did. I'm sure the 3rd nanny will be just as great as the other two.
On my drive in to work today I just cried and cried. I cried mainly for Millie and that I have to keep changing people on her. Just when she starts to get in a good routine and just when she starts to know her new nanny I feel like I am switching things up on her again. That suffocating feeling of guilt started to creep into my chest again. If I wasn't a working mom she wouldn't have to adjust to all these new people. She would always have me.
My boss kindly reminded me that I just need to let go of the guilt - or I'll feel guilty for the next 40 years. Babies are resilient. Millie will have no recollection of either nannys. She'll just know that it's someone new but someone who still meets all of her needs. She'll learn to love the next nanny too.
Millie is thriving. She's growing, she's smart, she's funny, and she's even got 2 teeth. She's happy.
She still knows me. She still smiles at me when I come home from work at night. She still snuggles into me before bed and when she first wakes up. I know she is doing just fine.
Now if I can just get her to stop being so terrified of loud noises. This sewing machine nearly put her over the edge.
