A Big Fat F

I'm burned out. This holiday season has been really great, but I fear I have been running myself ragged trying to do it all. I really love Christmas and want to make this time of the year magical for my girls. The house is decorated. I have been baking. We have been crafting together. The damn elf moves and finds ways to get into nightly trouble. The girls unwrap a Christmas book every night that we read together by the tree. I'm doing the 12 days of Christmas for a friend. We've been on the Polar Express, seen the lights, been to visit Santa and watched Christmas movies. The coworker gifts have been delivered, the gifts are mostly wrapped and I only have a couple things left to buy. Yet, no matter how hard I try to plan-ahead, schedule, shop early, etc.... the stress inevitably catches up with me. 

Today was a bit of a breaking point for me. Millie has been tough lately. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is the perfect description of my 5-year-old. She's either an angel that I adore or Satan that I want to cast out and run away from. She's been pretty mean to me the last couple of weeks. Don't let this sweet face fool you. 

In one instance, after claiming "You don't care about me" because only 1 present wrapped under the tree was for her, she proceeded to rip up a love-note that she wrote me into 50 teeny-tiny pieces. She's like a walking, talking little blonde time-bomb just waiting to explode. She can't find a toy... "It's all your fault mom! You threw it away! (I didn't). She doesn't want me to brush her hair and screams bloody murder when I try. Try and help her with her reading for school, "Ugh mom! Stop helping me! I know how to read!" Pay any attention to Matilda and I will hear, "You don't pay any attention to me! You only love Tilda!" We were on vacation for a few days in November and therefore we didn't receive the note from school about pajama day. So we showed up in normal clothes, "MOM! You are the worst. You forget everything!"

This doesn't even start to describe the exasperated sighs, grunts and stomping around the house. I put her in time-out and she flails around on the couch. I send her to her room and she slams the doors over and over. I feel like I am on pins and needles around her. I never know what will set her off. I never know what Millie I will be coming home to. It's not a fun way to live.

After a particularly horrible morning where she was just mean from the first moment I spoke to her, I just decided...I'm done. Screw Christmas and me trying to create "magic". I'm tired of working my ass off to make childhood perfect for these kids. I'm tired of planning everything and getting no thanks or respect. I am d o n e !

I sent a text to Seth and told him I wasn't coming home tonight. I'm going to give myself a break. Possibly go to a movie, get a pedicure or just go to a bar and drink dirty martinis. Because I just can't do it all anymore. The kids can have spaghetti AGAIN, the laundry won't get done, the house will be even messier than I left it this morning. But that's OK. I need to step away if I am going to survive the next few days.

As I have let the morning become less of a searing pain, and more of dull ache I have had a harsh realization...I am letting a 5-year-old run my house. Ladies and gentleman, I have created a monster. If parenting received a grade I would be getting a big. fat. F. 

My little Millie is just a mini-me. She does exactly what I do when I am annoyed or upset with the kids. She will often say to me, "That's it, I'm done. I'm done with you!"...just like I have said to her. She makes the same exasperated sounds as I do. She's impatient and obsessive. She is my kid. I have myself to blame for this. I am the cause of her behavior. Kids observe and learn everything from us. For better or for worse. Right now it seems as if Millie has simply snagged the worst of my traits. 

How do I fix it? I try all kinds of tactics with her, but truthfully, how do I fix myself? I can't come home every night and drink a glass of wine to relax me enough to be a good mom. I have to learn how to be more patient, and more kind to my kids. I really thought I was doing an OK job at this whole "being a mom" thing. But apparently not. 

Who cares if my kids have the most wonderful, awe-filled childhood if I am not not raising them to be decent human beings? I'm better than this. 

So tonight I will take some time off. I will relax and recharge my mom-batteries. And tomorrow, with any luck, I'll find a newer zen-version of myself. Christmas is just 4 little days away and I have to somehow get through it, without feeling like, as Millie says, "I'm going to blow my fuse."

Happy holidays!?