She Used to be Mine

It's not simple to say, that most days, I don't recognize me.

It's not easy to know, I'm not anything like I used to be.

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, "Who are you?" You don't seem to resemble the old you. Neither in appearance or in personality. You've become a shadowed version of yourself. It happens so gradually that you don't even notice it at first. But one day, bam! You start self reflecting and realize how much you have changed. Sometimes for the better, but lately for me, its been for the worse.

Tonight I was leaving a get together with some girlfriends. For the first time in days I felt relaxed and content. I didn't feel like a pile of stress, anxiety, anger and nerves. I was alone in my car, driving on the freeway during the pinking hour. Marveling at the view of the mountains that I see every day, but rarely see at this time of night. I was listening to my music for a change, and not KUER. "She Used to be Mine" is my current favorite song. I sang along, as usual, and realized how applicable the song is to the way I feel. Life has swept in through the backdoor and carved out a person that I no longer recognize.

Life, as of late has made me angry. Jaded. Sad. Both just the world and current events (Orlando shooting, a possible Trump presidency, etc.) but mainly my personal life has made me angry. I don't need to go into everything that has been happening in my life, and in my family's life but it has hurt us all. It has pitted sibling against sibling. Parent against parent. I've felt and experienced moments of fear, anger, sadness and despondency. All of these emotions have turned me into a person that I don't like.

When I think back to what the "old Becky" was like I think the most descriptive words would be: happy, positive, empathetic, social, loving, kind, silly.

I miss that girl. This girl isn't any of those things right now. This girl feels more: depressed, caged, angry, tired, ugly, negative. This girl writes blogs about how much she despises summer and then gets upset when people call her out for being angry. Old Becky would never have written something so ridiculous. And her dear friends would never have to call her out for her shitty attitude. This version of me has become so enraged by people's comments and opinions on Facebook that she wanted to jump through the screen and clock neighbors, friends and family in the nose. This Becky is not me. I have allowed largely external events in my life carve me into a person that is largely unrecognizable. And I'm tired of it. I'm ready to start the transformation ... to rise from the ashes ... and become "me" again.

This has been and will continue to be a difficult year and I can decide to let it pull me even further away from myself, or I can do better to rise above it. I'm not sure what to do about my family situation. I'm looking for a reasonable way to deal with the pain and the fear. There are no clear answers.

Today I was lucky enough to see the Dalai Lama speak. Hearing him couldn't have come on a more perfect day. I felt so burdened as I walked to the event. I just needed to feel... light again. His message was simple, we need to be more compassionate. We can't simply pray for peace, we must be active in achieving peace in this world. We are all the same. We all deserve love and happiness.

As I contemplated his message I realized that I can't bring peace to the world. But I can bring peace within myself. I can't just sit around and expect life to calm down and for peace to once again settle upon my life. I need to actively search it out. In the past I have found peace in yoga. I have found peace in running. I have found peace in my beautiful daughters. I have found peace in letting go of control. I have found peace in forgiveness. I have found peace by offering love to another. I have found peace by consciously making an effort to control my negative thoughts and expressions.

This current Becky is crap. I'm ready to disassemble her piece by piece until I find the old Becky again. Because under the layers of bitterness, negativity, self-consciousness, and anger is that happy and positive girl that I once knew.

So here's to finding her again.