One thing I say to Seth whenever he says we aren't great parents is "We are better than 80% of parents! Are we perfect? No. But do we love our kids, provide for them, teach them? Yes. We are really good parents so stop overreacting."
Today, I take back every word of it. For me at least. Today was not a good mom day.
Going through this world shattering situation with my family has made me feel like I have zero control of my emotions. Some days, I'm perfectly ok. I go about my day, I get the kids off to school, I work two jobs, I make dinner, clean the house, get the kids taken care of, read books to them, snuggle them and sing them to sleep. Other days, like earlier today, I feel so depressed that I can't move. I stare blankly at the computer screen at the THREE (yes three) email inboxes that are overflowing with things that need my attention. I accomplish some things, but not much. What I do accomplish is little in comparison to what I needed to get done. It just feels like the world is piling more and more on top of me and I'm unsure how I'll ever claw my way out again. The other days, I'm filled with rage. A deep-seated unsettled feeling of pure anger. I'm angry at all of the men in my life who have caused so much pain and trauma. Angry at the men who run this state and country and continue to do poor job of it. Angry at the divide that exists between men and women in the workplace. Angry at the unfair balance of home responsibilities that continue to fall on the mother (even the mother working 2 jobs currently). I'm just fed up with it. I'm disillusioned. I'm exhausted. But I'm exhausted being so angry. But I refuse to keep my mouth shut and pretend that all is ok with the world, when it clearly isn't. So I keep simmering.
The depression was deep today, but I got out of the house and went to visit my 92-year-old grandmother. It was the perfect fall day that I long for all year. We sat outside and basked a bit in the sun. As a result, the depression lifted. Not long after I left, the rage began to build again. As a result, I was a complete shit parent.
While I was simmering with anger I went to pick up Millie at her cousin's. She was upset to be leaving and the entire night went down the toilet. She was mad about leaving. She was enraged and scared about the flu shot we are getting next week, she was awful to her little sister and just being an overall stinker. So I decided she was grounded for the rest of the night. After hearing her slam doors and throw things for awhile, I gave in, and let her come see her grandma. Grandma always can calm her down. She moped around and glared at me, she was ungrateful to her grandma. She was mean again to her sister, but also to the neighbor kids, and of course to me. I thought it would be a good idea to just get her to snap out of her mood by tickling her (which she loves). She was laughing but apparently mad-laughing. How do I know she was angry? Because my 8-year-old BIT me. That's right. BIT my hand. I would have laughed due to the absurdity of it, but I was shocked. And boy did it piss me off.
So I sent her back to her room. The neighbor kids saw me yell and stared at me with wide eyes above their little masked faces. My mom saw me yell, and gaped at the entire situation. It was not great and everything went down hill after that.
A list of things NOT to say to children:
-"Your sister is being a poo, a massive foot-long poo." This will result in your 3-year-old neighbor telling her mom and dad that Becky is saying naughty things.
-"You think YOU have had a bad day? You have no idea what I am going through! I may never speak to my dad again. I am fighting with your dad. I am trying to do two jobs. You and your sister kept me up last night. You had a bad day because you had to leave a playdate early. DEAL WITH IT!"
-"You have GOT to get over shots sis. You are going to get shots your whole life. Pain is part of life. You are going to have babies. BUCK UP kid. Good grief, get over it! It's not the end of the world."
-"You know what, I'm done with you today. Your dad will be home any minute. Eat a bowl of cereal for dinner. I just can't anymore. I'm going across the street to have pizza."
A list of things TO say to children:
-"I'm sorry Millie. I'm sorry I was so angry. Mom is going through a really hard time right now. You and your sister are my biggest joy. But you are NEVER to bite me again ok?"
-"I'm sorry Tilda. I love you so much and I'm sorry I was so upset tonight. Let's all get some sleep and everything will feel better tomorrow."
How to best recover from your shit day:
-Pizza. Because carbs help everything
-Alone time. Preferably in a dark room with candles lit.
-Write. Write terrible a blog that no one will read. Write because it's therapeutic.
-A glass of red wine and some popcorn are usually quite beneficial
-Get into bed earlier than usual.
-Read until you can't keep your eyes open.
-Give yourself some grace and recognize that tomorrow is a new day. A better day. Another chance to get it right. Because these girls deserve the best of you. Don't let your past or other's actions get the best of you.
